Raegan's 2nd Birthday

These are photos taken by Amy Springer. She is a good friend and an awesome photographer! We had a blast during the "photo shoot" Megan had the most fun though laughing and smiling the whole time. She was contagious, even Easton caught the bug and was laughing about all the to-do! I love the music by Alan Jackson and the fun that it conveys. Enjoy!

Please, Let Me Say Thank You!

I consider myself a deep thinker. I have a habit of analyzing just about everything and finding some useful life lesson in it. Sometimes I wish I could stop, but most times I am grateful. I love peeling back the layers of whatever life throws my way and learning all I can from them. There have been so many big things I have done this with but my favorite is the small things. The little things that happen everyday. The things that tend to get overlooked. I can't take in everything everyday though and so I know there are things that get brushed by or sometimes not even considered. I had the opportunity for such a lesson today. One I believe I was in sore need of. I ask you, dear reader, do you know how greatful I am for you? Have I told you how much I appreciate your friendship and kind words? Not enough I'm afraid. I would like to think that I thank everybody for everything that deserves being thanked for...I would LIKE to think that, but I can't. I would like to think I neglected to say thank you only because of procrastination or a busy day, but I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I don't say thank you simply because I become to self absorbed, to involved in my own desires and needs to stop for just a second, because that is all it takes really, to let you know how much I cherish you. So let me take this time, this moment, to say Thank You to all of those who have made my babies smile. Anyone who has given them a moment of your time, a gift, diapers, medicine, photographs and cards. Let me say Thank You to all of you that have ever said a prayer for them or have told a friend about them to help me spread the word on RCDP. Thank You to all those who have supported me with kind words and laughter. Thank You for your smiles and your tears. Thank You to those wonderful souls who have watched my sweet angels for me when ever I have asked you, who have gone to the hospital with me, or have listened to me cry when things aren't going my way. Thank You to the doctors and nurses and therapists who work with my children on sometimes a daily basis. Thank You to my Rhizokids group whom without I don't know how I would make it. Now that I've found you I don't know how I ever made it without you. Thank you also for sharing your children with me, for letting me share in a little bit of their lives, to see their smiling faces and to cry with you when they are suffering. I believe we all need to take the time to say Thank You more often. From the simple things, to the big things... I never want to neglect to let you know how much I wouldn't want to be without you, how sad I would be if I ever hurt you. This world can be crazy, and a little scary but I believe if we remember to be grateful, not only in our hearts but in our words and actions, this world will be a better place. You are not mind readers and neither am I. Saying Thank You is such a simple thing, with such a dramatic effect and it takes only a second really. It's free too :-)

What Me Worry?!

I had to ask myself what my reasons were for doing this blog. Do I really feel comfortable letting people get so close to my life and how much should I say about said life? What do I want people to know? The answers I came up with are this. My reasons are varied. I want to reach out, I want to share the love of my children, I want to educate people on RCDP. I've been private for so many years and it hasn't really worked for me. I have happy moments and I have sad moments and I have scary moments...I don't like to have them alone. Blogging is my way of recieving help I suppose. It is my way of journaling and having a written memory of the lives my children lead. I'm not much of a writer though...so I cringe at my run on sentences...at my dangling participles...my incorrect spelling...the list of grammatical errors go on and on. It stopped me for a while. If it was my own personal journal I don't think I would be so worried. The words of the infamous Alfred E. Newman..."What Me Worry?" have become my mantra. So I'll blog, errors and all.
As I am typing this my Munchkin Trifecta are doing well. Raegan is suffering from some gas issues but nothing major, just annoying. We just celebrated Raegan's 2nd birthday. I can hardly believe it has been two years. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. I remember the first question out of my mouth was "is she alright?" The doctor looked at me a little strange and said "You have a beautiful baby girl, you should be proud." I was ashamed at that moment for wanting her to be healthy, for wanting her to be what I wanted, what I had been dreaming of her being for 8 months. I remember pulling on her legs to see if they would straighten out and my heart sinking when they wouldn't. I knew what I was in for. I had been in this moment twice before. My heart broke, my dreams were shattered and I began the road to acceptance for yet another child that I would likely outlive. That I would one day have to bury. I cried and I held her close to me and wouldn't let anyone take her. I didn't know how long I had with her but I was adament I was going to make the most out of every second with her. It was different the third time around. I didn't fight it as much. Although I was angry, I wasn't as angry as I had been with Megan. I looked at everything she COULD do instead of everything she couldn't. I entered Raegan's journey with a completely different attitude, I was more experienced in pain, and I chose optimism instead. What a difference perspective can make. I didn't close my mind to the experience. I let myself feel all the emotions, I didn't numb myself to them in order to survive. I let the feelings of sadness, regret, anger, frustration and heartache flow through me, feeling them completely. Not judging these feelings as negative or bad, just pure, raw, and right. I had a right to be sad. I had a right to be mad. I also have a right to be happy, to be joyful, to be hopeful, and to be trusting. My faith in God has changed so much over the past 2 years. I know Raegan and Megan and Easton are exactly who they were meant to be. They are not mistakes or errors. They are perfect. I still get sad, and mad, and frustrated...but it is the natural man in me that feels these things. The part of me struggling to learn and grow and become more. It isn't easy but I wouldn't change a thing. I try not to think about what will be...I just try to focus on what is. If I've learned anything from this it is to live in the moment. Cherish what I have now, make the best of it, find the silver lining so to say. It has become my habit and it has changed my life. My expectations are different. I don't look forward to the things I thought I would. They will live, I will keep them comfortable, and they will die. That is their reality, that is my reality. So with that accepted I am free to move on, I am free to not worry but to simply enjoy. The things I used to take for granted. A simple word, being able to walk, to eat, to run, I look as miracles now, I am grateful for my ability to do these things. My friendships are deeper and my motives are purer. My heart has been broken and wonderfully reassembled by a loving Father who knows me and loves me more than I can imagine. I can wake up everyday and find joy rather than sorrow. For now, my little munchkins are with me and I am happy for that. Tomorrow...well it is never really here anyway is it? So What Me Worry!