My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter M is for Megan

When I found out I was pregnant with Megan I was so excited. I love being pregnant. I love babies. I love being a mom. When I had Megan I had an experience I never expected to have. Before Megan, I worked for Wasatch Transportation. I would take children who had special needs back and forth to the deaf and blind schools. I remember one girl in particular. Her name was McKenzie and she was beautiful. Her mom was well to do and gorgeous herself. She always had McKenzie looking so beautiful and you could see the love she had for her daughter. She told me once that she was glad that the decision to let Mckenzie live or die wasn't up to her, that it was part of the doctor's oath to preserve life and the choice was never given. McKenzie was born at 25 weeks and had numerous problem because of this. I remember thinking how brave and wonderful this mother was. I had one son of my own and I couldn't even imagine being a mother of a disabled child. Little did I know.
Megan was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2001. She turned out to be quite the Christmas elf. We knew right away something was wrong. Megan wasn't breathing. We all held our breath, everyone in the room. I didn't realize this until Megan actually took her first breath and you could hear everyone in the room collectively exhaling. I was scared. I remember telling Chad I was sorry. If something was wrong with Megan I just knew it had to be my fault. I had failed somehow. I held Megan for a second and they wisked her away. The next time I saw my precious baby they were lifefilighting her to Provo. I got to say goodbye to her while she was in an incubator. I couldn't even touch her. I was devastated. I returned home on Christmas Day and tried to be brave for the two children of mine I already had there. Not to mention the one Chad had brought with him. It was difficult but I was thankful she was alive. Megan remained in NICU for 2 weeks, a very short time considering some of the parents I met while I was there. Megan left, which a lot of their kids did not. I remember I had to spend the night in the hospital with Chad and Megan and we had to show them that we could take care of her before they would let us take her home. With a bunch of crazy beeping equipment and a head full of new medical terminology we took our angel home. I am ashamed to say we waited for her to die. We didn't know what else to do so we did the best we could. We loved her every minute of every day and she was never in need. Megan was constantly comforted and held and loved. She was kissed a thousand times and held as much as she would let us, which unfortunatley wasn't much because it hurt her. We put her on some pretty strong pain medication but took her off of it because we would rather have a baby that was aware some of the time rather than a baby that was knocked out most of the time. So we held her less and rubbed her little hands and feet and knees a lot more. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I yelled at God, I asked him why a thousand times but never really took the time to listen.
 Let me tell you now why I am so thankful for Megan. She has been my fire. She has been the key to my transformation, to my growth. Megan has taught me things I would have never learned without her. She has taught me surrender. I would have never know what it meant to truly surrender without Megan. She broke me, she broke me into a million pieces. God has been putting me back together ever since. Megan has laughed almost the whole way. The one thing that stands out most about my precious little MooMoo is her smile and her laughter. She has a way of lighting up the whole room. My friend Wendy said she smiles with her whole body and I couldn't agree more. Megan is the happiest person I know. If you are feeling bad come and spend a minute or two with my angel, she will have a magical effect on you and you will feel bad no more, ask anyone who has met her. When Megan sees you her eyes light up as if to say "I am so glad to see you!", and I believe she truly is. Megan has a way of knowing just what you are saying, she loves to be involved in the conversation and pipes in at just the right moments. She is full of laughter and it is very contagious. She sings with the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, sorry Babbs, I love ya, but my Megan has even you beat. Megan is the true example of a positive attitude. I never hear her complain unless it is necessary for her care, and I really wouldn't call it complaning as much as asking in her own unique way. Megan has the most beautiful blue eyes. They have a sparkle and shine you can feel in your soul. She can speak to every heart that will listen and brighten every eye that will see. I can not thank my Father in heaven enough for sending his precious Megan to me to care for. What wonderous thing has she done that has awarded her such a position? I am excited to find out someday, I am excited to speak to her one day and to hear her voice speak to me. She is my daughter. She is my heart. Megan is the best of me and I love her more than words can say. She will be turning 10 this Christmas Eve and I couldn't be happier. She hads defied the odds and showed all the doctors who is truly in charge. I look forward to many more years with my love, my Megan.