As I am typing this my Munchkin Trifecta are doing well. Raegan is suffering from some gas issues but nothing major, just annoying. We just celebrated Raegan's 2nd birthday. I can hardly believe it has been two years. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. I remember the first question out of my mouth was "is she alright?" The doctor looked at me a little strange and said "You have a beautiful baby girl, you should be proud." I was ashamed at that moment for wanting her to be healthy, for wanting her to be what I wanted, what I had been dreaming of her being for 8 months. I remember pulling on her legs to see if they would straighten out and my heart sinking when they wouldn't. I knew what I was in for. I had been in this moment twice before. My heart broke, my dreams were shattered and I began the road to acceptance for yet another child that I would likely outlive. That I would one day have to bury. I cried and I held her close to me and wouldn't let anyone take her. I didn't know how long I had with her but I was adament I was going to make the most out of every second with her. It was different the third time around. I didn't fight it as much. Although I was angry, I wasn't as angry as I had been with Megan. I looked at everything she COULD do instead of everything she couldn't. I entered Raegan's journey with a completely different attitude, I was more experienced in pain, and I chose optimism instead. What a difference perspective can make. I didn't close my mind to the experience. I let myself feel all the emotions, I didn't numb myself to them in order to survive. I let the feelings of sadness, regret, anger, frustration and heartache flow through me, feeling them completely. Not judging these feelings as negative or bad, just pure, raw, and right. I had a right to be sad. I had a right to be mad. I also have a right to be happy, to be joyful, to be hopeful, and to be trusting. My faith in God has changed so much over the past 2 years. I know Raegan and Megan and Easton are exactly who they were meant to be. They are not mistakes or errors. They are perfect. I still get sad, and mad, and frustrated...but it is the natural man in me that feels these things. The part of me struggling to learn and grow and become more. It isn't easy but I wouldn't change a thing. I try not to think about what will be...I just try to focus on what is. If I've learned anything from this it is to live in the moment. Cherish what I have now, make the best of it, find the silver lining so to say. It has become my habit and it has changed my life. My expectations are different. I don't look forward to the things I thought I would. They will live, I will keep them comfortable, and they will die. That is their reality, that is my reality. So with that accepted I am free to move on, I am free to not worry but to simply enjoy. The things I used to take for granted. A simple word, being able to walk, to eat, to run, I look as miracles now, I am grateful for my ability to do these things. My friendships are deeper and my motives are purer. My heart has been broken and wonderfully reassembled by a loving Father who knows me and loves me more than I can imagine. I can wake up everyday and find joy rather than sorrow. For now, my little munchkins are with me and I am happy for that. Tomorrow...well it is never really here anyway is it? So What Me Worry!
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