Acceptance

I am finding there are many stages to acceptance. Accepting what my life is at this moment seems to come and go also. I am also finding that I go through the many stages of acceptance with my children many times over. With each new thing they face I go through the stages again. Even when nothing dramatic happens I go through the stages. I have been struggling with sadness the past few days. Just about anything and everything brings me to tears. My mind has been weighing heavily on the losses our little rhizokids group have suffered in just the past year. I have only been involved in this group for the past 2 years. It took me 7 years to start seriously looking. I was paralyzed by fear, one of the stages of acceptance. With each loss I look at my own three little RCDP children and I think about when it will be my turn. If it wasn't such a selfish thought I would so wish that I would be taken before my children just because I have felt the fringes of death with them, I am afraid of the pain and suffering it will bring. So I cling tighter to them at times, and I bury myself in housework at times, I lose myself in a movie or story sometimes. But it seems lately it is getting harder and harder. I am trying to stop running from my demons, but this is one I do not want to face. No parent should have to bury their child! It is unnatural. There are days when my anticipated grief really does get the better of me. I know what to say to myself, I've heard it all before. Live for the day, you never know what the future brings......yada yada. Not to dismiss these saying as naught, because I know that they are completely true. But there are days, when knowing your children will die before you if all goes right, when sadness just gets the best of me and I give in to it's dark embrace. I am thinking of making an "in memory" video to try and give me some focus on this scary subject. There are days, quite a lot lately, when I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of ups and downs all the while waiting for the ride to be destroyed, knowing it could happen at any moment. I am trying really hard to learn to live in the present. In the now, as the book I am reading says. Life is a very interesting journey is it not?