My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter D is for Dakotah

Dakotah is my oldest child. He turned 16 this July...although I know I'm not old enough to have a 16 year old! Seriously, what can I tell you about my DK to let you know just how happy I am to be his mother? I am so thankful for all that he has taught me, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and love just to name a few. When he was born I wasn't able to hold him for the first day because of his lungs partially collapsing, they had to put him in an incubater. When I finally got to hold him and take him home I was so happy. He was such a beautiful baby with so much dark gorgeous hair. He grew quickly and I enjoyed him every step of the way. He is smart and talented. I appreciate the music he has brought into the house. He has taught himself to play the guitar, keyboard, drums, and cello so far. No lessons! He plays so well, I have to take some credit for putting headphones on my tummy when he was still growing in there. He listened to everything from Ozzy to Elvis, from Enya to Led Zepplin, he loves them all to this day. He has always been my helper without complaint (most times!). Dakotah can make Easton smile and laugh even more than I can. The first time Easton let out a real belly laugh it was because of Dakotah. I am so proud of the way he treats them and how gentle and kind he can be. He is such a big guy it is wonderful to see. Dakotah has gone through some really difficult times this past year and a half. I have seen him grow into a young man I am very proud of. We all make mistakes...we all have failures but what impresses me most about my son is his ability to turn tragedy into triumph and mistakes into successes. I have watched him embrace critisizm and use it to catapult his growth in a positive direction. He is inspiring to his peers and the adults that have worked with him have nothing but praises for him. My heart just swells when I hear all of the positive remarks from everybody. When a situation that can make you so bitter is turned into something that makes you better instead, well in my opinion it is miraculous. He loves to smile and laugh. He brightens up the room he is in and he can relate to just about anybody. He is a great friend and brother. He is an even better son. Dakotah is respectful and hard working, he is protectful of his brother and sisters with disabilities, you can see the love in his care for them and how much he LOVES to play with them. I told him when he gets to heaven and a big guy comes and sweeps him up in his arms and swings him around....well that will be Easton. The way Easton's eyes light up when he gets to hang with his big brother is Awesome, it brings tears to my eyes just about everytime. Easton really enjoys hanging out with DK in his room while he is playing his guitar, he loves the music and usually has a permagrin on his face the whole time. Dakotah takes the time to teach also. All of his musical talent would be enough but the fact that he is able, willing and wants to teach makes me very happy. He helps his brother Zac learn the cello and has even been able to play a duet with him the first day he started teaching him. He is not selfish or greedy at all. Yes, I'm a proud mother and I love to brag about my children every chance I get. They know how much I love them and Dakotah is not ashamed to tell me he loves me back...even when around his friends, going so far as to give me hugs also. I want him to know I don't take these actions for granted at all. I appreciate Dakotah for who he is. For who he is, is WONDERFUL!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter C is for Chad

I am ashamed to say I do not tell Chad how wonderful he is often enough. He is a terrific father, his ability to care for our 3 disabled children and our 3 healthy children is amazing. He handles them with humor, with tenderness and with strength. He can do all the dirty jobs they require, I won't go into details let's just say they are jobs usually only a mother would have the stomach to do. Chad does anything and everything required and needed for our children. From getting them ready in the morning to making their lunches, helping them with their homework, even fixing Hannah's hair. He is one of the hardest working men I know. He does everything he does well. I have learned to trust him with everything because I know it will get done right. I love the example he is to our children when it comes to taking pride in your work. Measure twice cut once is his motto. My most heartwarming and goosebumpy moment of thankfulness with Chad happened when Megan was only 3 months old. I went to her bassinet to check on her, she was always in the living room with me during the day, but she was sleeping quietly for the moment. At least, that is what I thought until I seen her. Megan was blue and she wasn't breathing. I panicked. I didn't know what my name was anymore let alone where my phone was. Chad was sitting on the couch and he instantly knew something was wrong. He jumped into action without even blinking. He immediately started CPR on our little angel and suggested I dial 911. He continued giving Megan CPR until the cops showed up...the cop decided to let Chad continue what he was doing until the paramedics arrived because he was doing such a good job. If it wasn't for Chad's quick thinking and ability to work under such emotional stress we would have lost Megan that day, I'm sure of it. She had already suffered from brain damage at birth due to lack of oxygen so....
If that was all, that would be enough. But Chad saved her life one more time. That is our story, I believe it, at least that he had a huge part in convincing Megan how much she was loved and to return to us. The doctor sent Megan home with severe RSV. Our choices were this, she could go home to die or we could send her to Primary Children's Hospital to be hooked up to a respirator where she would die, probably to never be unhooked from the respirator. It was our choice, we were given a folder and some time. We asked Megan in our own way what she would want. The overwhelming feeling Chad and I both recieved was to take her home so she could die in our arms where she would feel safe and warm, and not hooked up to tubes in a hospital where we couldn't even hold her. So we went home with our little baby and waited for her to pass. We held her all night and eventually she stopped breathing. We cried and cried. We cleaned the oxygen tapes and tubing from Megan's face and wiped off our tears and kisses. I checked her heart with my stethascope and Chad did the same. Megan was gone. Our angel was lifeless. We held her for just a bit longer and spoke to her, told her how much we loved her and how proud we were to be her parents. Chad leaned down to kiss her one more time on her sweet little lips and when he did Megan took a deep breath. It startled us very much. I had never seen a person die before, I didn't know what to expect, but I know I didn't expect this. Neither did Chad. We stared at Megan, unbelieving and she took another breath, and then another. We put her oxygen tapes back on,  put the oxygen tubes back in her nose and I just held her and stared at her and was speechless. Megan's breathing increased and her congestion was gone. I called the doctor and he was sure I was calling him so he could pronounce my sweet little Megan dead. He was dumbfounded when I said no, she is doing okay. I took her in to be checked and she was completely well. She had no more RSV when the night before she had it so bad the doctor had to deep suction her every 5 minutes. I knew we had witnessed a miracle that night, I know Chad's love had something to do with bringing that about. I am thankful everyday for a father for my children who loves them so much that his kisses bring them back...amazing. Thank you Chad for everything you do, it would take me days to list everything you do. But apart from being an amazing father you are also a wonderful friend. You know all my dark side and you love me anyway and that says A LOT! Who knew that two people could create such a life as we have? I have been told I should write a book about it...maybe in a way that is what I am doing here. This wasn't what we had planned Chad but I for one wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you again for just being the wonderful you that YOU are.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter B is for Balloons!

Balloons make me happy. I love to watch them float in the air. I love to see the beautiful colors and pretty prints. I love the shiny ones, the squiggly ones, the little ones and the HUGE ones. They make beautiful boquets and I give them at every occasion I can. My babies absolutely love them, Easton the most. He just giggles and can't take his eyes off of them for very long. I love to buy them big colorful arrangements for their birthdays. My kids and I have always loved to hit balloons and see how long we can keep them from hitting the ground. We rub them on our heads and laugh when they stick to they wall and laugh even harder when we see how silly our hair looks sticking up. We suck the helium out of them and put ourselves in tears saying hilarious things with our new chipmunk voices. We play games with them, do magic tricks with them, we can twist the long skinny ones together and make neat balloon animals. Yup! I absolutely am thankful for balloons!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter A is for Adversity

It is the month of November, a month of Thanksgiving. I try to be thankful everyday, but it's nice to have a holiday to remind me at least once a year. I have so many things to be grateful for. It is not hard at all to come up with something to be thankful for everyday this month and jot it down. I could go through the alphabet, start out with being thankful for adversity, which I truly am grateful for just not while I'm going through it, and end with Zingers...I mean who am I to resist their ooey goodness? The alphabet would be a wonderful way to come up with all of the things in my life that I am blessed with. So, let's start at the beginning!
A: I am thankful for adversity. It is through my toughest and most difficult times that I have found I have grown the most. I'm a bit of a sissy though, I wouldn't actually choose to go through difficult times would I? I suppose that is debatable some of the time. I want to act as if I did choose each and every situation I go through, that I hand picked this experience just for me, and with that attitude I am free to learn all I can. The emotions can be intense ranging from fear to anger. I cry, scream, and have pity parties along the way, while I'm trying to find the valuable nugget of knowledge from yet another opportunity life has given me. I feel in the moments of my worse adversities I can either give in or go on, it's all up to me, I can get bitter or get better. As I reflect on all my past adversities I can honestly say I either grew tremendously, or regressed horribly. But even through the regressions I learned. That knowledge is then able to be applied to future experiences, the choice is mine wether I do or not. The growth comes when I choose to apply what I have learned, however painful that may be a times. So yes, I am grateful for adversity, for without it I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. It's a strength that is bitter sweet, but I've earned it, so I'll take it.

Raegan's 2nd Birthday

These are photos taken by Amy Springer. She is a good friend and an awesome photographer! We had a blast during the "photo shoot" Megan had the most fun though laughing and smiling the whole time. She was contagious, even Easton caught the bug and was laughing about all the to-do! I love the music by Alan Jackson and the fun that it conveys. Enjoy!

Please, Let Me Say Thank You!

I consider myself a deep thinker. I have a habit of analyzing just about everything and finding some useful life lesson in it. Sometimes I wish I could stop, but most times I am grateful. I love peeling back the layers of whatever life throws my way and learning all I can from them. There have been so many big things I have done this with but my favorite is the small things. The little things that happen everyday. The things that tend to get overlooked. I can't take in everything everyday though and so I know there are things that get brushed by or sometimes not even considered. I had the opportunity for such a lesson today. One I believe I was in sore need of. I ask you, dear reader, do you know how greatful I am for you? Have I told you how much I appreciate your friendship and kind words? Not enough I'm afraid. I would like to think that I thank everybody for everything that deserves being thanked for...I would LIKE to think that, but I can't. I would like to think I neglected to say thank you only because of procrastination or a busy day, but I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I don't say thank you simply because I become to self absorbed, to involved in my own desires and needs to stop for just a second, because that is all it takes really, to let you know how much I cherish you. So let me take this time, this moment, to say Thank You to all of those who have made my babies smile. Anyone who has given them a moment of your time, a gift, diapers, medicine, photographs and cards. Let me say Thank You to all of you that have ever said a prayer for them or have told a friend about them to help me spread the word on RCDP. Thank You to all those who have supported me with kind words and laughter. Thank You for your smiles and your tears. Thank You to those wonderful souls who have watched my sweet angels for me when ever I have asked you, who have gone to the hospital with me, or have listened to me cry when things aren't going my way. Thank You to the doctors and nurses and therapists who work with my children on sometimes a daily basis. Thank You to my Rhizokids group whom without I don't know how I would make it. Now that I've found you I don't know how I ever made it without you. Thank you also for sharing your children with me, for letting me share in a little bit of their lives, to see their smiling faces and to cry with you when they are suffering. I believe we all need to take the time to say Thank You more often. From the simple things, to the big things... I never want to neglect to let you know how much I wouldn't want to be without you, how sad I would be if I ever hurt you. This world can be crazy, and a little scary but I believe if we remember to be grateful, not only in our hearts but in our words and actions, this world will be a better place. You are not mind readers and neither am I. Saying Thank You is such a simple thing, with such a dramatic effect and it takes only a second really. It's free too :-)

What Me Worry?!

I had to ask myself what my reasons were for doing this blog. Do I really feel comfortable letting people get so close to my life and how much should I say about said life? What do I want people to know? The answers I came up with are this. My reasons are varied. I want to reach out, I want to share the love of my children, I want to educate people on RCDP. I've been private for so many years and it hasn't really worked for me. I have happy moments and I have sad moments and I have scary moments...I don't like to have them alone. Blogging is my way of recieving help I suppose. It is my way of journaling and having a written memory of the lives my children lead. I'm not much of a writer though...so I cringe at my run on sentences...at my dangling participles...my incorrect spelling...the list of grammatical errors go on and on. It stopped me for a while. If it was my own personal journal I don't think I would be so worried. The words of the infamous Alfred E. Newman..."What Me Worry?" have become my mantra. So I'll blog, errors and all.
As I am typing this my Munchkin Trifecta are doing well. Raegan is suffering from some gas issues but nothing major, just annoying. We just celebrated Raegan's 2nd birthday. I can hardly believe it has been two years. I remember her birth like it was yesterday. I remember the first question out of my mouth was "is she alright?" The doctor looked at me a little strange and said "You have a beautiful baby girl, you should be proud." I was ashamed at that moment for wanting her to be healthy, for wanting her to be what I wanted, what I had been dreaming of her being for 8 months. I remember pulling on her legs to see if they would straighten out and my heart sinking when they wouldn't. I knew what I was in for. I had been in this moment twice before. My heart broke, my dreams were shattered and I began the road to acceptance for yet another child that I would likely outlive. That I would one day have to bury. I cried and I held her close to me and wouldn't let anyone take her. I didn't know how long I had with her but I was adament I was going to make the most out of every second with her. It was different the third time around. I didn't fight it as much. Although I was angry, I wasn't as angry as I had been with Megan. I looked at everything she COULD do instead of everything she couldn't. I entered Raegan's journey with a completely different attitude, I was more experienced in pain, and I chose optimism instead. What a difference perspective can make. I didn't close my mind to the experience. I let myself feel all the emotions, I didn't numb myself to them in order to survive. I let the feelings of sadness, regret, anger, frustration and heartache flow through me, feeling them completely. Not judging these feelings as negative or bad, just pure, raw, and right. I had a right to be sad. I had a right to be mad. I also have a right to be happy, to be joyful, to be hopeful, and to be trusting. My faith in God has changed so much over the past 2 years. I know Raegan and Megan and Easton are exactly who they were meant to be. They are not mistakes or errors. They are perfect. I still get sad, and mad, and frustrated...but it is the natural man in me that feels these things. The part of me struggling to learn and grow and become more. It isn't easy but I wouldn't change a thing. I try not to think about what will be...I just try to focus on what is. If I've learned anything from this it is to live in the moment. Cherish what I have now, make the best of it, find the silver lining so to say. It has become my habit and it has changed my life. My expectations are different. I don't look forward to the things I thought I would. They will live, I will keep them comfortable, and they will die. That is their reality, that is my reality. So with that accepted I am free to move on, I am free to not worry but to simply enjoy. The things I used to take for granted. A simple word, being able to walk, to eat, to run, I look as miracles now, I am grateful for my ability to do these things. My friendships are deeper and my motives are purer. My heart has been broken and wonderfully reassembled by a loving Father who knows me and loves me more than I can imagine. I can wake up everyday and find joy rather than sorrow. For now, my little munchkins are with me and I am happy for that. Tomorrow...well it is never really here anyway is it? So What Me Worry!