My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter O is for Oxygen

This is Megan, mommy said I could type this one because I'm the one that gave her the idea. I have taught her to be thankful for many things she said but oxygen is one that she really does take for granted. Breathing is so easy for her. It isn't that easy for me. When I was born I didn't breathe at all for almost 2 minutes. Then I got this funny big thing put on my face and other things stuck into my arms and I was put inside a glass tube and sent away from my mommy and daddy. I had to have tubes put into my nose so that it would give me this stuff called oxygen. I didn't know what it was, but I figured out already that I needed it to live. When I got to go home with my mommy and daddy this oxygen stuff went with me. This time it didn't come out of a hole in the wall, it came out of a big silver can thingy. Mommy and daddy had to roll it around on this noisy cart everytime they took me anywhere. My Mom and dad also put little plastic tubes all over the house so they could take me from room to room and just hook me up to my oxygen without having to move the really big silver thingies, I think they called them tanks. And if they would have had to move them, I'm afraid I would have had to stay in one room. When I was still very young I got RSV. I don't know what it is but I do know I couldn't breath. It was awful. I had to go to the hospital and the doctor had to keep putting this tube down my nose and throat and it would take all my yucky stuff that was keeping me from breathing out. It really hurt. I didn't like it at all, so I decided to get better and go home. I also decided I didn't want to have to have the tubes up my nose anymore to give me my oxygen either so by the time I was one I figured out how to get oxygen on my own. The doctors told me I never would, but I know more than they do, I think they are silly. Now I can breath this oxygen stuff out of the air all by myself and I've been doing it very well, unless I get sick, then sometimes I need help and the tubes go back in, but they never stay for long.
I learned from birth that if I didn't have oxygen I wouldn't be here. My body couldn't work, not the way God designed it anyway. I'm thankful I have clean air to breathe. I am thankful that when my body isn't working right that there is oxygen in big tanks to keep me alive. Now my mom and dad even have a machine that takes the oxygen right out of the air they call it a compensator...no wait thats not it...a commentator...nope, not that either....oh yeah! a concentrator! anyway, I'm thankful for it. Thanks for letting me type this one mommy! Now, take a deep breath and Smile!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter N is for Now!

The present moment holds the key to liberation."~Eckhart Tolle

Now is an adverb defined in the dictionary as the present time and moment.

 This moment is a gift, a priceless treasure. I can choose what I want to do with it, until it is taken away from me. The beauty of that is it is given to me faster than every second, in a heartbeat, in a single breath I have been given another moment in which I can choose again what to do with. The choice is always mine. I have things going on around me that can influence my choice, but the choice is always, ultimately mine.
 I  go through hard times trying to deal with the fact that my Megan and Easton and Raegan will someday die, let's keep it real here, what they have is terminal and no matter what I can't wish it away. I know I will have to say goodbye to them, unless of course God sees fit to take me first. So naturally, I think about their deaths. I used to think about them a lot. Obsessively. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself I would just suddenly start thinking about one of them dying and bursting into tears. Songs, those are the worst, sad movies about death were forbidden. It was horrible. I didn't know how to quit. I knew I needed some outside advice, somebody neutral. I found a wonderful counselor, she has helped me tremedously by simply being a sounding board most days, but she has introduced me to a new way of thinking also, a new perspective on life and it has changed my life. It is simply this: Be Thankful For The Now. That's it. If there is a problem right now that needs my attention, then give it. If it is something in the futre, then it hasn't happened yet so don't stress about it. "Easier said than done," I said. But I practiced it anyway. I know there are things I need to plan for in my future but the emphasis is I don't try to LIVE in the future, it is just as destructive as living in the past. So, everytime I would find myself thinking about one of my angels passing away I would ask myself, "is there something that needs to be done for them to prevent this from happening at this moment in time?" If the answer was nothing than I could give myself permission to not worry about it at the moment. Sometimes I would have to close my eyes and take deep breaths. I would concentrate on the sound of my breathing, how it felt going in and out of my lungs. I would listen to my heart beating, hearing the sound of my blood rushing in and out of it. That would do it everytime. For that moment, even if it was just for a second, I wasn't worried about my babies dying. I was to busy enjoying the moment. WOW! It really was that easy! I can do it whenever I choose. If I don't choose, well then I still have made a choice, as Rush says. Either way I am thankful that I have the opportunity to choose happiness, that it really is up to me and no one else. I am thankful for Now because of the newness it offers me. Every moment I can decide again. If I've made a mistake, I can stop. If I've done something good, I can continue. Now is freedom. Now is all I really have. This moment. This time. I am thankful for Now.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter M is for Megan

When I found out I was pregnant with Megan I was so excited. I love being pregnant. I love babies. I love being a mom. When I had Megan I had an experience I never expected to have. Before Megan, I worked for Wasatch Transportation. I would take children who had special needs back and forth to the deaf and blind schools. I remember one girl in particular. Her name was McKenzie and she was beautiful. Her mom was well to do and gorgeous herself. She always had McKenzie looking so beautiful and you could see the love she had for her daughter. She told me once that she was glad that the decision to let Mckenzie live or die wasn't up to her, that it was part of the doctor's oath to preserve life and the choice was never given. McKenzie was born at 25 weeks and had numerous problem because of this. I remember thinking how brave and wonderful this mother was. I had one son of my own and I couldn't even imagine being a mother of a disabled child. Little did I know.
Megan was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2001. She turned out to be quite the Christmas elf. We knew right away something was wrong. Megan wasn't breathing. We all held our breath, everyone in the room. I didn't realize this until Megan actually took her first breath and you could hear everyone in the room collectively exhaling. I was scared. I remember telling Chad I was sorry. If something was wrong with Megan I just knew it had to be my fault. I had failed somehow. I held Megan for a second and they wisked her away. The next time I saw my precious baby they were lifefilighting her to Provo. I got to say goodbye to her while she was in an incubator. I couldn't even touch her. I was devastated. I returned home on Christmas Day and tried to be brave for the two children of mine I already had there. Not to mention the one Chad had brought with him. It was difficult but I was thankful she was alive. Megan remained in NICU for 2 weeks, a very short time considering some of the parents I met while I was there. Megan left, which a lot of their kids did not. I remember I had to spend the night in the hospital with Chad and Megan and we had to show them that we could take care of her before they would let us take her home. With a bunch of crazy beeping equipment and a head full of new medical terminology we took our angel home. I am ashamed to say we waited for her to die. We didn't know what else to do so we did the best we could. We loved her every minute of every day and she was never in need. Megan was constantly comforted and held and loved. She was kissed a thousand times and held as much as she would let us, which unfortunatley wasn't much because it hurt her. We put her on some pretty strong pain medication but took her off of it because we would rather have a baby that was aware some of the time rather than a baby that was knocked out most of the time. So we held her less and rubbed her little hands and feet and knees a lot more. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I yelled at God, I asked him why a thousand times but never really took the time to listen.
 Let me tell you now why I am so thankful for Megan. She has been my fire. She has been the key to my transformation, to my growth. Megan has taught me things I would have never learned without her. She has taught me surrender. I would have never know what it meant to truly surrender without Megan. She broke me, she broke me into a million pieces. God has been putting me back together ever since. Megan has laughed almost the whole way. The one thing that stands out most about my precious little MooMoo is her smile and her laughter. She has a way of lighting up the whole room. My friend Wendy said she smiles with her whole body and I couldn't agree more. Megan is the happiest person I know. If you are feeling bad come and spend a minute or two with my angel, she will have a magical effect on you and you will feel bad no more, ask anyone who has met her. When Megan sees you her eyes light up as if to say "I am so glad to see you!", and I believe she truly is. Megan has a way of knowing just what you are saying, she loves to be involved in the conversation and pipes in at just the right moments. She is full of laughter and it is very contagious. She sings with the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, sorry Babbs, I love ya, but my Megan has even you beat. Megan is the true example of a positive attitude. I never hear her complain unless it is necessary for her care, and I really wouldn't call it complaning as much as asking in her own unique way. Megan has the most beautiful blue eyes. They have a sparkle and shine you can feel in your soul. She can speak to every heart that will listen and brighten every eye that will see. I can not thank my Father in heaven enough for sending his precious Megan to me to care for. What wonderous thing has she done that has awarded her such a position? I am excited to find out someday, I am excited to speak to her one day and to hear her voice speak to me. She is my daughter. She is my heart. Megan is the best of me and I love her more than words can say. She will be turning 10 this Christmas Eve and I couldn't be happier. She hads defied the odds and showed all the doctors who is truly in charge. I look forward to many more years with my love, my Megan.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter L is for Legs

When I was born my legs were a bit troubled. I had club feet. I had to wear casts on my legs when I was just a baby and then I graduated into corrective shoes with bars that ran up my legs. I don't remember any of this, all of what I know my mom told me. I still have the shoes though, I look at them often and think about what my life would be like if it hadn't been for the technology that corrected them.
I remember running a lot as a child. I would love to hang from the bars at the school playground and would make a mad dash for them a recess so that I could. I would hang from monkey bars, trees, bunkbeds, just about anything I could wrap my legs around. I loved to jump on trampolines and of course I would dance, mostly when people weren't looking, but I LOVED to dance, still do actually. I'm not what the world would call good, but I enjoy it.
I really enjoy watching people dance, I love the movements their legs can make and how graceful and easy they make it seem. I enjoy watching the olympics on television and seeing all the perfect athletic bodies run and swim and jump. Beautiful bodies doing beautiful things.
I remember as a young girl, about 10 or so I stepped on a plate glass window that was laying down on two blocks, I didn't see it. It cut my legs pretty bad. I still have the scars. Every movement I made with my legs hurt for days. I felt like a big hurt leg. It was awful.
I've used my legs to hike, work out, run, dance, tip toe, walk, skip, and twirl. I never appreciated any of these things until I had my Megan, Easton and Raegan. Their legs don't work like the rest of ours do. Their knees are pretty big and stiff. Megan's and Easton's hips are dislocated. They will never walk, run, dance, skip, hike or twirl. I have learned that in a situation such as mine, with half of my kids being disabled, it is better to be realistic with a dash of hope. Do I work on making Raegan stand? Of course I do. Do I ever really expect her to do it on her own? No I don't. They will never use their legs in the way that the majority of us do. They have made me appreciate all my legs do for me in a way I never have before. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult my life would be if I had to go without me legs. Could I do it? Probably. Would I want to? Absolutely not.
I put their sister Hannah in dance class. I want her to celebrate her legs. I want her to celebrate her ability to use them. She does so beautifully. She is so young, I know she doesn't fully appreciate their value but I do. I watch her dance and it is hard not to cry. It is a bitter sweetness. Tears of joy and sadness fall from my eyes at the same time. Raegan will never point her toes. Megan will never do the splits. Easton will never run the bases during a game. I am a person who prides herself in seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty though so I do appreciate all they can do with their legs. Easton uses them to scoot like no other. He can swim just like a little fish by just swinging his legs and hips back and forth. He finds this hilarious too. Raegan can push with her little legs so hard. She loves to kick my face and have me kiss her cute little piggies. Megan loves to have her feet rubbed and her knees played with. They do use their legs, just not in the way intended by the "normal".
I am grateful for my legs and all they do for me. I'm grateful that my children have taught me through their disabilities not to take anything for granted. Even when my legs are jumpy and restless just about every night I am thankful that I have them. I run and jump and dance for my trifecta, with my trifecta most times and they love it. My legs are their legs for the time but I look forward to the day when they have legs of their own that work the way they were intended to. I look forward to the day when I can see my little angels run and dance without me holding them, when they can run into my arms on their own accord. Until then, they can use mine.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter K is for Kites!

I love to fly a kite. I have my adopted family, the Wheelers, to thank for that. Every year they would get together and fly kites. It turned into a potluck too eventually I think, I'm not sure but I am sure about how much fun we all had. It was wonderful looking up into the sky and seeing all the beautiful colors and different shapes. It was fun to watch who get their kite up with ease and who had a really hard time.

I remember as a teenager I would go to the beach in Pascagoula and watch people flying all sorts of kites. From simple ones to the ones that require two people and both of their hands, it was awesome.

I guess a part of me feels as though I'm in the sky with that kite, soaring high above the ground and flying with the breeze gloriously.

I've flown kites with my children and I never get tired of watching their faces light up when they get their kite soaring, no matter how old they are. I hope we never outgrow going and flying a kite. It's simple, but it's powerful. Sometimes it really is the little things that can really pack some punch...just as my munchkins!
The picture is of Glen and Linda Wheeler! Thank You so much for all you did for me, I can never say how grateful I am for your family. So K is for kites, but they were more than just kites to me. It was the time we spent together, competing and yet cheering each other on. The older ones teaching the younger ones. Time together. So our yearly kite flying fun was more to me than flying kites, because of this example kites will always symbolize fun and freedom and family to me. They didn't just fly kites with me they showed me what was important in life and that is family. No matter what. I've seen them go through many trials and yet they all still love and support each other in their own ways. I love them so much and I dread to think of where I would be without them. They are my sisters to this day. They know me as well as any sister could and they love me inspite of myself, that is family. I feel even more special because I was chosen, they could have sent me away feeling sorry for me but they didn't. They included me and they never made me feel like they wanted to do anything else, they loved me. So I am thankful for my time flying kites with my second family. I am blessed to have not one but two. One that I was born into that I love dearly, and one that adoped me in a way and taught me how to fly a kite. Thank you Glen, Linda, Julie, Melanie, Christy, Jan and Beckie. Oh, and Kenny, can't forget my adopted brat of a brother either...I don't think he taught us how to fly kites as much as he taught us how to run with them though.....!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter J is for Jesus

How is it possible to thank someone for dying for me? Is there thanks enough for someone who takes on everything I have ever done wrong and answers for it? The name Savior, Redeemer, Lord, and Christ define Him. He is my Savior in every sense of the word. Through His example I know how I am supposed to live. He didn't just sit on the sideline to critique my life, He showed me how He wanted it to be done. He is my Redeemer in that He redeems from from myself. In spite of my wrongs and shortcomings, He has the power of redemption and He gives it freely. My Lord because I choose to worship Him. He is the Chosen One, the one who took it upon himself to give to me the one thing I could not give to myself. A proxy, a replacement. Someone who could withstand the punishment required when laws are broken. He is my teacher and my brother. He is my advocate and my protector. He asks to be followed, in a gently loving way. Reaching out to help me when I couldn't help myself. I think of the poem footprints. There are many times when I know my Savior carried me because I would have surely fallen and wasted away on my own. Looking back, I can see his tender mercies more and more. Times when He showed He knew me better than I knew myself. When I picture Jesus I picture a man with his arms wide open in love and acceptance, with gentleness and compassion. With an understanding only He could have. I am thankful for my Lord, for my Savior. Above all, he decended below all of us and died in such a fashion that I can barely comprehend. Christmas and Easter are by far my favorite times of the year. What they represent is priceless. Something that can't be wrapped and put under a tree, something that can't be found in an Easter basket. Atonement. One word that accomplishes so much. I try to live my life as it's own thankyou to Jesus, but I'm ashamed to admit I fall short everyday. He is there to pick me back up and encourage me, I am so very grateful for His patience. My Redeemer lives. I am beyond Thankful.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter I is for Imagination

I love watching cartoons, one of my favorites was Muppet Babies. It was a cartoon all about using your imagination. You can go anywhere, be anything if you just know how to use it. It is a childlike quality that I am so thankful for. I love more than anything to talk with my children and do the what ifs. We end up laughing hilariously or thinking deeply, usually the former. I get a glimpse of it everyday when I watch Hannah play, she uses her imagination very well. I've eaten so many plastic dinners cooked in her little kitchen I've lost count. I've watched Zac slay invisible foes with his Power Ranger's sword or lightsaber. I've seen Dakotah fix many an imagined problem with his cool tools. These are very special memories to me. But it doesn't stop when we grow up does it? I for one believe it doesn't have to. I imagine things all the time. I appreciate all of the things in my life that I have because someone else imagined them first. Like this computer I am typing on, the stove I am cooking on, the bed my babies are sleeping in. People had to imagine these things before they could be made. I think of all the books I have read, all of the movies that I have seen. I think of all the medical equipment that just blends into the decor of my house. Someone imagined it, and now I get the benefit of using it. How incredible. I also use my imagination to paint the picture of a better tomorrow. I try to make today the best I possibly can but I'm always trying to learn ways to improve it. I have to imagine myself doing things before I can do them sometimes. Take cooking for instance. I love it, but before I started I had a vision of myself cooking fabulous dinners that my whole family would sit down and eat together and everybody would rant and rave about what a glorious cook I am...
I have very fond memories of using my imagination with my best friend, we had our children named, our house picked out, our husbands were named and so were our pets. Life didn't turn out exactly as we imagined, but we had an idea of where we were heading.
To this day I still love to watch cartoons with my children, I love to watch them even without my children! Cartoon have imagination written all over them, and it is fun. I also love anything science fiction. Another wonderful use of what ifs..... I still smile when I think of the Dr. Who marathon my son Zac and I had a few months ago. We were up until 4 in the morning because we just couldn't get enough! And then we talked and talked about all we had seen and heard, he gave his thoughts and I gave mine and it was awesome.
I imagine a day when there will be no more RCDP. When a family never has to bury a child again. When a mother never has to watch her child suffer. I imagine a day when people treat each other with kindness and empathy. I imagine a day when those of us who are different aren't shunned and ridiculed. I imagine a day when the lion lays down with the lamb and it helps me get through the difficult times. The times I simply want to give in and throw in the towel. I imagine my self carrying on, learning and growing and someday never having to cry in pain again.
Imagination is a beautiful thing. I am so very grateful for it and I use it each and everyday!!