My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter N is for Now!

The present moment holds the key to liberation."~Eckhart Tolle

Now is an adverb defined in the dictionary as the present time and moment.

 This moment is a gift, a priceless treasure. I can choose what I want to do with it, until it is taken away from me. The beauty of that is it is given to me faster than every second, in a heartbeat, in a single breath I have been given another moment in which I can choose again what to do with. The choice is always mine. I have things going on around me that can influence my choice, but the choice is always, ultimately mine.
 I  go through hard times trying to deal with the fact that my Megan and Easton and Raegan will someday die, let's keep it real here, what they have is terminal and no matter what I can't wish it away. I know I will have to say goodbye to them, unless of course God sees fit to take me first. So naturally, I think about their deaths. I used to think about them a lot. Obsessively. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself I would just suddenly start thinking about one of them dying and bursting into tears. Songs, those are the worst, sad movies about death were forbidden. It was horrible. I didn't know how to quit. I knew I needed some outside advice, somebody neutral. I found a wonderful counselor, she has helped me tremedously by simply being a sounding board most days, but she has introduced me to a new way of thinking also, a new perspective on life and it has changed my life. It is simply this: Be Thankful For The Now. That's it. If there is a problem right now that needs my attention, then give it. If it is something in the futre, then it hasn't happened yet so don't stress about it. "Easier said than done," I said. But I practiced it anyway. I know there are things I need to plan for in my future but the emphasis is I don't try to LIVE in the future, it is just as destructive as living in the past. So, everytime I would find myself thinking about one of my angels passing away I would ask myself, "is there something that needs to be done for them to prevent this from happening at this moment in time?" If the answer was nothing than I could give myself permission to not worry about it at the moment. Sometimes I would have to close my eyes and take deep breaths. I would concentrate on the sound of my breathing, how it felt going in and out of my lungs. I would listen to my heart beating, hearing the sound of my blood rushing in and out of it. That would do it everytime. For that moment, even if it was just for a second, I wasn't worried about my babies dying. I was to busy enjoying the moment. WOW! It really was that easy! I can do it whenever I choose. If I don't choose, well then I still have made a choice, as Rush says. Either way I am thankful that I have the opportunity to choose happiness, that it really is up to me and no one else. I am thankful for Now because of the newness it offers me. Every moment I can decide again. If I've made a mistake, I can stop. If I've done something good, I can continue. Now is freedom. Now is all I really have. This moment. This time. I am thankful for Now.