My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter S is for Stories

I love a good story. I love to read them and I love to listen to them being told. I enjoy hearing stories from anybody who wants to tell them. I enjoy reading stories to my children, some of them numerous times! I love the stories that the old folks like to tell about their youth and their experiences. I adore the stories children tell and the way they tell them. I love to talk and tell my own stories as well as hear yours. I enjoy Facebook and all the tidbits of people's lives and stories that I get. I can remember loving to read from a very young age. I couldn't wait to go to the school library and pick out another book. My favorite series from about the third grade was the Boxcar Children. Oh my goodness how I loved to hear the teacher read a little part of one of the books every school day. I could see everything she read, I could hear it and even smell the things she described at times. I was hooked. I had to read more. Anything and everything I could get my hands on I read. I would still be that way today if it weren't for the time constraints I have. So many other obligations I didn't have as a child! My children do know that every once in a while I will find a book that I just can't put down. They always seems to understand, mostly because they are readers and story tellers themselves. I love to read everything from fiction to reality, fantasy to horror. There is nothing like a good book to take me away from it all. Growing up in the south I heard many stories as I would travel around visiting people with my step father. I learned a lot just from listening to what other people had to say about their lives. I enjoyed their funny stories and their sad stories. I remember when I was 17 I decided to drive around the country to see as many states as possible. I would put audio books in the cassette player and away I would go, enjoying the scenery as I enjoyed a good story. I remember my Mom and I driving to move to Utah later that same year. I was reading The Stand by Stephen King as we were driving through Nebraska and Kansas. The people in the book were crossing through Nebraska and Kansas the same time I was...it was kinda creepy, particularly because it was a story told by the master of crazy weird himself, Stephen King. I remember being scared, and I loved it! So I say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories with me, I thank all the authors who have written the countless books I have read for sharing their imaginations with me. I thank you all for taking the time to listen to my stories. Like I said before, there is nothing like a good story to take me away from it all for a moment, to be transported in time and space to a different reality then my own is a very therapeutic thing at times, as long as I don't overdo it!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter R is for Raegan

Raegan is my youngest. My baby. She was a surprise, but a welcome and very loved one. When I had my first ultrasound of Raegan she had her thumb in her mouth. As I had not yet had anything to do with my Rhizokids group, I did not have any other kids to evaluate Raegan by but Megan and Easton. Both of which could never put their thumb in their mouth. I knew Raegan was going to be different, but I had no idea how different she was really going to turn out to be. When Raegan was born I was shocked. I had really expected her to be without RCDP. I had to face the harsh reality of my dreams being flushed down the potty once again. I had to grieve, which I did and I had to go through the anger again, which I did.... It was horrible and I can tell you the third time doesn't make it any easier. In a way, it makes it difficult simply because I knew what to expect this time. I knew what I was in for and I knew what was in store for Raegan. Boy, was I right in some ways and Way Wrong in others!
Raegan has taught me that no matter how hard I try I cannot fortell the future. What a lesson to learn. All my life I figured I was psychic, I mean why else would I worry about the future? I must know what is going to happen right...wrong. Raegan has taught me what true perseverence is, what it looks like, even what it can smell like. She works her little body so hard it makes me short of breath just watching her. Raegan has no problem with being assertive either. She will tell you, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she is thinking and what she wants you to do, or not do, what ever the case may be. She doesn't have to use words to communicate her feeling effectively either, just about anybody can understand her when she has something to say. I love Raegan's smile, I love her laugh. I love the way she looks at me, focuses on me, and just lights up. I love the way she searches for her Daddy when he does her special whistle. Raegan loves to be thrown into the air and hung upside down. She loves to be bounced on the bed and twirled around in circles. These simple things make her so happy and she rewards me with giggles and dimples. I enjoy kissing her cute little piggy toes and watching her smile because she enjoys the game. I adore Raegan's fierce temper. It has served her well over the last 2 years. She is a fiesty one, I pity the fool who doesn't give Raegan her way. Out of all three of my RCDP children, Raegan is the only one I am absolutely sure would reach out and slap me, pull my hair, or scratch my face if she could. Megan gets her little heart broke when she is mad, Easton wants to just run away from it all, but Raegan is like a crazed cat, claws at the ready. I really do enjoy this part of her, it gives her the drive she needs to do the things that are asked of her on a daily basis. When I want her to push with her legs and she gets so mad, she pushes...haha! Therapy has occured!
Raegan is a very demanding child. She has constant needs that must be met, and she isn't very patient. I've chosen to view this as an opportunity to really work my muscles of patience. She has given me many opportunities to do this over the last 2 years. With feedings that go on through the night, to 3am play sessions, to just plain walk me around and entertain me all night episodes, Raegan has made sure to put her Mom and Dad through them all. I couldn't think of a better person I'd rather be learning with than Raegan though. One smile and I'm melted. I think of it this way, I honestly do not know when Raegan won't need me to get up through the night with her anymore, but as long as she does, I will. I will because of the day that I'm not needed anymore. Because of the day she won't be with me anymore. Because of the day I won't have her to hold and take care of. Today, I have my angel with me. Today, I am happy to do all she needs me to do, for I know tomorrow she may be gone. My Rhizokids group has taught me that all to well. One of our precious new Rhizokids, Adalynn, passed away. She was only 4 months old. Adalynn was the latest in a list of children that is far to long. RCDP children whose mothers can no longer comfort them, can no longer pace the floors with them at night. There are some RCDP mothers who never got to even take their children home with them and have the pleasure of a restless and sleepless night with their angels to even complain about. What any of them would give to have just one night.
 Megan and Easton have taught me special things in their own unique way. Raegan has done the same. She has taught me to reach out, to go outside of my comfort zone and to speak up. She has taught me to care for myself, simply so I could have what I needed to care for her. She has taught me to work and to prioritize. Raegan has given me hope. She still sucks on her thumb to this day, she absolutely loves it unless she accidently bites her thumb, then she doesn't like it so much. She thinks it is very funny when I pop her thumb out of her mouth and say don't bite on that!
I often call Raegan my little Ray of Sunshine. That is exactly what she is. I love my Ray Ray and I am very Very grateful for her!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter Q is for Quiet!

Ahhh...Peace and Quiet, how often I've overlooked how powerful just a few minutes of this really is. Any mother can relate to me. When the babies are all sleeping and no one is sick with a cough, it can be the most wonderful thing in the world. I don't like to much of it though, just a dab will do ya. The world I live in can become very noisy. It is full of beeps and babbles, music and TV, background noise. Hannah can talk and talk and talk. Megan loves to babble and join in the conversation even when there isn't one going. Easton is a bit of the silent type but even he can't stay quiet forever, thank goodness becasue I love his laugh. Raegan is constantly making noise even when she sleeps she snores. Dakotah plays his music whenever he gets a chance and Zachary is almost always giggling or telling stories. I love their noise. I love it individually and collectively. But just for a second, when it all stops, just for a moment mind you, it can be bliss. I breathe it in, like a priceless treasure. Ah, the wonder of a quiet moment. To refelect or to just listen to the breath go in and out of my lungs. After a prayer, silence is golden. It gives me time simply to listen. Quiet can be a wonderous thing. I remember as a child folding my arms and seeing who could remain the quietest during primary. It was HARD. It isn't hard anymore. I've really come to appreciate it. Right now, it's very quiet in my house. All my babies and children are sleeping and I love to hear the rhythmic breathing sounds. This is quiet to me. This is wonderful to me. It means no one is coughing, no suction machine is going. No oxygen machine is rumbling and noisily heating up the room. This is quiet. I know everybody has their own version of what quiet is to them. This is mine. No shrill beeps, no pulse oximeters going off scaring me yet again. Did I mention no coughing? How I've come to hate the sound of a cough. Quiet is a treasure. It means to me for a moment, for this moment, everything is okay. I can breathe easy and relax and refill my bucket so to speak. So Shhhh! Be very very quiet...I'm hunting wabbits!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter P is for Prayer

Prayer. I couldn't live without it. It is as essential to my soul as oxygen is to my body. I know I can talk to my Father in Heaven anytime, anyplace and for any reason I need. I never have to feel alone. I never have to feel unheard. I don't always get the answer I hope for but I always get the answer that is best for me at the time. The best part is that I always get an answer, even if it is to wait, be patient. I have a lot of self doubt, so sometimes it is hard for me to know if I'm answering my own prayers or if I'm really listening. It isn't always easy to hear that still small voice. Sometimes I have to be quite persistant in pleading my case, just to get the same answer I recieved in the previous prayer. I am so thankful for this open line to my Creator. Who knows me better, so who better to talk to? I have seen the power of prayer on many occasions in many people's lives. I have seen it in my life in simple and in great ways. He answers my silly prayers along with my serious life changing prayers. I love that. It gives me security, like a warm blanket. I've prayed on my knees, standing up, sitting down, and driving. I've prayed with my eyes open and my eyes closed. I've prayed while crying, and sometimes while wanting to scream. But, I've always prayed. I look back on my life and I can see that, and I am very grateful for it. I've prayed for myself and for friends. I've even prayed for enemies, it's not easy but I always feel much better when I've finished. Like God has cleansed me somehow through understanding and unconditional love. I remember praying in school, I wish my kids could still do that. Unfortunately some people don't believe in praying. I can understand that in a way, but I don't like it when I don't have a choice and they do, so I tell my kids to pray silently to themselves, God always hears. If he can hear Jonah in the belly of a whale at the bottom of the sea then I am certain he can hear me everywhere at everytime. What a comfort. What a joy. What a gift of priceless value. It is nice to know that God listens, that He cares and that I don't have to wait in line or take a number to be heard. I don't have to shout or jump up and down. It is a simple act of communication that saves my life everyday. I am thankful for prayer and the power it holds. I am thankful that God listens.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter O is for Oxygen

This is Megan, mommy said I could type this one because I'm the one that gave her the idea. I have taught her to be thankful for many things she said but oxygen is one that she really does take for granted. Breathing is so easy for her. It isn't that easy for me. When I was born I didn't breathe at all for almost 2 minutes. Then I got this funny big thing put on my face and other things stuck into my arms and I was put inside a glass tube and sent away from my mommy and daddy. I had to have tubes put into my nose so that it would give me this stuff called oxygen. I didn't know what it was, but I figured out already that I needed it to live. When I got to go home with my mommy and daddy this oxygen stuff went with me. This time it didn't come out of a hole in the wall, it came out of a big silver can thingy. Mommy and daddy had to roll it around on this noisy cart everytime they took me anywhere. My Mom and dad also put little plastic tubes all over the house so they could take me from room to room and just hook me up to my oxygen without having to move the really big silver thingies, I think they called them tanks. And if they would have had to move them, I'm afraid I would have had to stay in one room. When I was still very young I got RSV. I don't know what it is but I do know I couldn't breath. It was awful. I had to go to the hospital and the doctor had to keep putting this tube down my nose and throat and it would take all my yucky stuff that was keeping me from breathing out. It really hurt. I didn't like it at all, so I decided to get better and go home. I also decided I didn't want to have to have the tubes up my nose anymore to give me my oxygen either so by the time I was one I figured out how to get oxygen on my own. The doctors told me I never would, but I know more than they do, I think they are silly. Now I can breath this oxygen stuff out of the air all by myself and I've been doing it very well, unless I get sick, then sometimes I need help and the tubes go back in, but they never stay for long.
I learned from birth that if I didn't have oxygen I wouldn't be here. My body couldn't work, not the way God designed it anyway. I'm thankful I have clean air to breathe. I am thankful that when my body isn't working right that there is oxygen in big tanks to keep me alive. Now my mom and dad even have a machine that takes the oxygen right out of the air they call it a compensator...no wait thats not it...a commentator...nope, not that either....oh yeah! a concentrator! anyway, I'm thankful for it. Thanks for letting me type this one mommy! Now, take a deep breath and Smile!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter N is for Now!

The present moment holds the key to liberation."~Eckhart Tolle

Now is an adverb defined in the dictionary as the present time and moment.

 This moment is a gift, a priceless treasure. I can choose what I want to do with it, until it is taken away from me. The beauty of that is it is given to me faster than every second, in a heartbeat, in a single breath I have been given another moment in which I can choose again what to do with. The choice is always mine. I have things going on around me that can influence my choice, but the choice is always, ultimately mine.
 I  go through hard times trying to deal with the fact that my Megan and Easton and Raegan will someday die, let's keep it real here, what they have is terminal and no matter what I can't wish it away. I know I will have to say goodbye to them, unless of course God sees fit to take me first. So naturally, I think about their deaths. I used to think about them a lot. Obsessively. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself I would just suddenly start thinking about one of them dying and bursting into tears. Songs, those are the worst, sad movies about death were forbidden. It was horrible. I didn't know how to quit. I knew I needed some outside advice, somebody neutral. I found a wonderful counselor, she has helped me tremedously by simply being a sounding board most days, but she has introduced me to a new way of thinking also, a new perspective on life and it has changed my life. It is simply this: Be Thankful For The Now. That's it. If there is a problem right now that needs my attention, then give it. If it is something in the futre, then it hasn't happened yet so don't stress about it. "Easier said than done," I said. But I practiced it anyway. I know there are things I need to plan for in my future but the emphasis is I don't try to LIVE in the future, it is just as destructive as living in the past. So, everytime I would find myself thinking about one of my angels passing away I would ask myself, "is there something that needs to be done for them to prevent this from happening at this moment in time?" If the answer was nothing than I could give myself permission to not worry about it at the moment. Sometimes I would have to close my eyes and take deep breaths. I would concentrate on the sound of my breathing, how it felt going in and out of my lungs. I would listen to my heart beating, hearing the sound of my blood rushing in and out of it. That would do it everytime. For that moment, even if it was just for a second, I wasn't worried about my babies dying. I was to busy enjoying the moment. WOW! It really was that easy! I can do it whenever I choose. If I don't choose, well then I still have made a choice, as Rush says. Either way I am thankful that I have the opportunity to choose happiness, that it really is up to me and no one else. I am thankful for Now because of the newness it offers me. Every moment I can decide again. If I've made a mistake, I can stop. If I've done something good, I can continue. Now is freedom. Now is all I really have. This moment. This time. I am thankful for Now.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter M is for Megan

When I found out I was pregnant with Megan I was so excited. I love being pregnant. I love babies. I love being a mom. When I had Megan I had an experience I never expected to have. Before Megan, I worked for Wasatch Transportation. I would take children who had special needs back and forth to the deaf and blind schools. I remember one girl in particular. Her name was McKenzie and she was beautiful. Her mom was well to do and gorgeous herself. She always had McKenzie looking so beautiful and you could see the love she had for her daughter. She told me once that she was glad that the decision to let Mckenzie live or die wasn't up to her, that it was part of the doctor's oath to preserve life and the choice was never given. McKenzie was born at 25 weeks and had numerous problem because of this. I remember thinking how brave and wonderful this mother was. I had one son of my own and I couldn't even imagine being a mother of a disabled child. Little did I know.
Megan was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2001. She turned out to be quite the Christmas elf. We knew right away something was wrong. Megan wasn't breathing. We all held our breath, everyone in the room. I didn't realize this until Megan actually took her first breath and you could hear everyone in the room collectively exhaling. I was scared. I remember telling Chad I was sorry. If something was wrong with Megan I just knew it had to be my fault. I had failed somehow. I held Megan for a second and they wisked her away. The next time I saw my precious baby they were lifefilighting her to Provo. I got to say goodbye to her while she was in an incubator. I couldn't even touch her. I was devastated. I returned home on Christmas Day and tried to be brave for the two children of mine I already had there. Not to mention the one Chad had brought with him. It was difficult but I was thankful she was alive. Megan remained in NICU for 2 weeks, a very short time considering some of the parents I met while I was there. Megan left, which a lot of their kids did not. I remember I had to spend the night in the hospital with Chad and Megan and we had to show them that we could take care of her before they would let us take her home. With a bunch of crazy beeping equipment and a head full of new medical terminology we took our angel home. I am ashamed to say we waited for her to die. We didn't know what else to do so we did the best we could. We loved her every minute of every day and she was never in need. Megan was constantly comforted and held and loved. She was kissed a thousand times and held as much as she would let us, which unfortunatley wasn't much because it hurt her. We put her on some pretty strong pain medication but took her off of it because we would rather have a baby that was aware some of the time rather than a baby that was knocked out most of the time. So we held her less and rubbed her little hands and feet and knees a lot more. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I yelled at God, I asked him why a thousand times but never really took the time to listen.
 Let me tell you now why I am so thankful for Megan. She has been my fire. She has been the key to my transformation, to my growth. Megan has taught me things I would have never learned without her. She has taught me surrender. I would have never know what it meant to truly surrender without Megan. She broke me, she broke me into a million pieces. God has been putting me back together ever since. Megan has laughed almost the whole way. The one thing that stands out most about my precious little MooMoo is her smile and her laughter. She has a way of lighting up the whole room. My friend Wendy said she smiles with her whole body and I couldn't agree more. Megan is the happiest person I know. If you are feeling bad come and spend a minute or two with my angel, she will have a magical effect on you and you will feel bad no more, ask anyone who has met her. When Megan sees you her eyes light up as if to say "I am so glad to see you!", and I believe she truly is. Megan has a way of knowing just what you are saying, she loves to be involved in the conversation and pipes in at just the right moments. She is full of laughter and it is very contagious. She sings with the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, sorry Babbs, I love ya, but my Megan has even you beat. Megan is the true example of a positive attitude. I never hear her complain unless it is necessary for her care, and I really wouldn't call it complaning as much as asking in her own unique way. Megan has the most beautiful blue eyes. They have a sparkle and shine you can feel in your soul. She can speak to every heart that will listen and brighten every eye that will see. I can not thank my Father in heaven enough for sending his precious Megan to me to care for. What wonderous thing has she done that has awarded her such a position? I am excited to find out someday, I am excited to speak to her one day and to hear her voice speak to me. She is my daughter. She is my heart. Megan is the best of me and I love her more than words can say. She will be turning 10 this Christmas Eve and I couldn't be happier. She hads defied the odds and showed all the doctors who is truly in charge. I look forward to many more years with my love, my Megan.