Learning to surrender

I am tired. Trying to maintain a normal life while chronically sleep deprived is an impossible task. I hope my kids can forgive me and know that I did the best I could. My three kids that do not have RCDP are the ones I am talking about. They get overlooked a lot, They know when the babies are sick that they are the top priority but it doesn't make it any easier for them. They are good kids, kind, caring and empathetic. I know we owe this to our sweet angels, they have taught us so much. Including how to survive with no sleep! Why do colds always get worse at night. I think I need to change up my sleep schedule and take on a more vampiric approach. Sleep during the day that is, not drink people's blood. My mind can go strange places, I aplologize if it offends, hahaha. The constant hum of the oxygen concentrator becomes a hypnotic sound, always there, reminding me my little Easton is struggling. Like I need reminding, his constant coughing and suffering hurt my heart, I don't know how else to describe it. I can physically feel pain at the sight of his suffering, pulling at my gut and heart so much it hurts. I am learning to surrender. Surrender to my life and my situation at this moment. It isn't easy. I want to fight it, but it is a waste of energy. So I practice surrender, every chance I get, sometimes I can almost see it, taste it. I know it is good so why do I fight it, am I comfortable in my pain, or am I just tired? I surrender. I cry. It hurts so much to see a child suffer, to feel so powerless. To pray, to scream. I surrender. Thy will be done Lord.

One of our sweet RCDP angels, Noah, has passed away. My heart is heavy. His passing makes me want to cling even tighter to my own little ones. Having these children in my life is glorious. My life before, I did not know of them, so I could live without. But now, after having been given such a wonderful and perfect gift, if only for a little while, is priceless. But when they are taken from me, if only in the eternal aspect of things for a little while, it still seems cruel somehow. To have to find a way to live without their smiles, laughter, and even their sicknesses. When one of our angels earns their wings so to speak, it makes me appreciate even more the time I have with these precious children. If I seem to be complaining about being tired, well I am. Things are what they are and I feel a variety of emotions, I acknowledge them all but try not to let them overtake me. But in times of loss, it is hard. My thoughts and prayers are with Noah's family. I pray that God will give them peace.