Vickie

Time for the insomnia to set in. Easton is having his surgery on the 20th. Well that is when it is scheduled anyway, rescheduled from November because he had a cold. I tend to worry. Not that it can add an inch to my height I know, but I do it anyway. I know that every surgery could be Easton's last. I try not to think negatively, but I feel I have to prepare myself. I wake up in the nights leading up to his surgery just to watch him breath. To hear him breath, to see his chest move up and down. I sleep with him in my bed so that I can reach out and feel his foot, his hand, his leg. Feel the warmth of him and know that his heart is still beating. I take nothing for granted. Every smile means the world to me. I wish I could bottle up his smiles and his laughter. They light up my life like a rainbow straight from heaven. I don't know how I will ever live without them, without him, without my Easton. It is so painful to even think about, and yet I worry. I beg God, like a little child, to have my way. I pound my fists and kick my legs and scream, and a small voice whispers...Thy will be done Lord. Peace comes over me because I know His way is best. Yet, before the surgery date has come I will have many more arguments with God, trying to convince Him that my will be done, just for a little while longer. And so I worry...Cleaning his teeth, what a big deal right? Why should it have to be such a problem. My poor little guy, I would take your place if I could, if only for a little while, just so you wouldn't have to suffer so. I am listening to his breathing as I type, I love the rhythmic sound it has, Easton's own little snore. Such a beautiful sound. Worry has become a constant companion of mine these past few years, I imagine it gives me some sense of power, some sense of control over a situation that I honestly have very little. Besides taking care of these babies, I believe it is what I do best! I try to keep my sense of humor about me, I try to find laughter wherever I can, it saves my sanity....I think. Maybe writing all of this into this blog will help me get it all out of my head and then I can sleep..? That would be nice :)