Time For Truth

Ok. Here goes. Inspired by my dear friend Gwen and her insistence on blogging and bearing her heart. Also inspired by another dear friend Mark and his reminder of doing things for yourself too.
Today has been a bad day. Not a rough day physically, lazy in fact. But emotionally a bad day. As I begin to write this that sweet insistent voice inside my head is screaming HUSH! I am a positive person. I am ever searching for that silver lining. If it isn't there I will put it there. I have crayons. But that's what I DO. Not what I FEEL. I FEEL like screaming most days. I FEEL like crying most days. Screaming scares people and crying just ends up giving me a horrible headache so I usually don't. I float. I float somewhere between hope and despair. A phrase from a well known movie "Finding Nemo" is one I quote quite often, "Just keep swimming." That is how I would describe my life. Did I mention I'm afraid of water? So here I am, where I would never have chosen to be, trying to find a life preserver.
Guilt. There is a word that occupies my every day. I fail everyday. That's it. No way around it, I'm an imperfect being. When I fail, my child could die. That's a hard pill to swallow. Yeah, woe is me. I'm learning lessons I would have never learned. Becoming someone I would have never became. I am grateful. Most of the time. Is it horrible when I am not? Is it horrible to want a life that is "normal?" Is it horrible to have dreams where you made different choices? I guess it is if you dwell on it. It can keep you from "smelling the roses" so to speak.
So much has happened in my life these past 6 months. There have been times when I honestly wanted to stop. Where I wished for a special watch that could actually freeze time and stay that way. There were some days where I just checked out...they were to hard to bear. I had a nurse refer to me as "stoic" yeah, that's one of those check out times. They asked me when Raegan got her trach if this was something I really wanted to go through with. "She is going to die anyway, she has a terminal condition. Are you sure this is something you will want to deal with?" I wanted to scream at her, "NO!!! I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!" My baby was fine!! What went wrong?? Why did this have to happen?? Was it my fault?? Did she aspirate that time when she threw up? Did I allow this to happen to my sweet Raegan? Of course I wanted her to live, of course I would do whatever was necessary to make that happen. Of course I wanted her to be happy and have a good quality of life. How could I possibly make this decision? I remember sitting in a tiny parent's room on a little bed just being woken up and asked to make this decision. Hard cannot describe how this was to deal with. Yet I must, there is no time to feel, no time to discuss, do you want your daughter or not? No question, of course I do.
So that brings us to today. Why I felt so utterly horrible. It was time to Raegan's trach care. Chad was gone. Do I attempt to do it myself? Sure, why not I've done it before. That was it. I started to cry. I didn't want to see that horrible hole in my daughter's neck. I DID NOT. But, she needed it done. I didn't do it. I decided to wait for Chad to get back. That was it. I was a horrible mother. I needed to buck up but I cared more about how I felt that I cared about what Raegan needed. Bad mom. I am not amazing. I am not an angel. I have A LOT of questions for God.
I have 3 children who are going to die. That's it. I have to deal with it. We are all going to die right? I've heard that line before and I try to use it often to fight away that demon called despair but it doesn't always work. Sometimes he calls my bluff. My friend Jess called this kind of despair "anticipated grief." Okay. Great, it has a name. Now what? Be sad. Feel the feelings. Choose how to act. Move on. Nice plan. Looks good on paper but it isn't that easy. I am human after all. I constantly struggle with that "natural woman." I do not WANT to change Raegan's trach. I do not WANT to suction her out every time she coughs. I do not WANT to organize supplies every month. I do not WANT to get a blood gas for her in the middle of January. I do not WANT to struggle to sit Easton up every time I want to give him a bath. I do not WANT to hear Megan cry every time I brush her teeth. So what? There are people everywhere doing things they do not WANT to do everyday just to survive. What right do I have to complain? Because it's how I FEEL. I've decided negativity is like a poison, if I feel it I must extract it. Look at it, then let it know I have a choice.
During my times of deepest struggle, I have reached out. I don't leave the house very often but thanks to technology I have the internet...and Facebook. The world at my fingertips. I can reach out and be supported with so much love and energy. It is fantastic. People supporting people. That is my kind of world. Thanks to Carla, a wonderful woman the universe sent to me just in time for Raegan to get her trach...her son has a trach also. She has been an awesome friend and an invaluable supporter during my most difficult times. So many wonderful friends that I have been blessed with come to mind. I would count myself lucky to have but one of them.
Thank you for letting me vent. Negativity has been purged. I love the way my children laugh. Even Raegan, with her silent laughter is a wonderful sight. I am blessed. I have three of the happiest children in the world. I get to take care of them everyday. They truly are a joy. I would not be the person I am today without each one of my children. They have all put me through their own fire. I do look forward. Maybe only into tomorrow, but I do look forward.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter X!

Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

An X-ray is a quick, painless test that produces images of the structures inside your body — particularly your bones.

X-ray beams can pass through your body, but they are absorbed in different amounts depending on the density of the material they pass through. Dense materials, such as bone and metal, show up as white on X-rays. The air in your lungs shows up as black. Fat and muscle appear as varying shades of gray.

For some types of X-ray tests, a contrast medium — such as iodine or barium — is introduced into your body to provide greater detail on the X-ray images.

I have had the priveledge to witness some of the amazing marvels of man throughout my years. I have always been captivated and fascinated by it although I admit I do not at all understand it. It blows my mind to think that someone, somewhere came up with the idea that gave us the ability to see I side the human body. What a wonder! These X-rays have helped the doctors so much in taking care of Raegan and helping her body through this difficult sickness. The nurses and doctors have shared their knowledge with me about what they see on the X-rays so I am able to understand and feel more comfortable about what is going on with my daughter. The black in her lungs is good, the white is not. Simple enough. Through X-rays we have been able to catch things early and treat them quick. Raegan is back on the road to recovery. But I can't just stop at the X-rays. What about those trained to take them and read them. The people who invented the film, and the computer at which I'm able to view images of my daughter thought impossible just decades ago. As all the hustle and bustle is going on around me, I think of all the accumulated knowledge being used for the benefit of my family and I am deeply humbled. There is not one thing in Raegan's hospital room that I came up with. Not one single thing. And yet, we enjoy the benefit of the ideas and hard work of many. My daughter is alive because of community. As I look back over this experience through the years I will undoubtedly learn other things. The process of the journey. There are times, in the high alert setting of the PICU that I have learned to live literally moment by moment. I have learned to surrender. I have taken baby steps of my own in healing and growing. To be grateful for the machines that my daughter is on and yet have to see her in them is a dance with the bitter sweet. It is hard. There's were times when I felt utterly overcome with grief at the sight of my sweet baby struggling for her life. There were moments when I wondered if she would live or die. Horrible, heart wrenching moments of pure agony when all I could do was surrender. Surrender or fall apart. It is a choice. It is always a choice. And it is mine to make. I know the harsh reality of RCDP. I am in no denial that my little munchkins will more than likely die in a scenario much like this one. I pray and hope that ths isn't the time of course. But I know I'm not the one in charge. Not at all. So I pray, literally beg at times for Raegan to be allowed to return home with me for just a little while longer.  We are not out of the woods yet but I'm pretty sure for this time anyway God said yes. I literally breath a sigh of thankful relief as I appreciate my children on a deeper and more understanding level. I have had many loving and supportive friends that have made all the difference in the world to me. The support and love were tangible and sustained me through very difficult times. I thank you all for your support and prayers. Raegan will be going home soon, maybe within the next week and that is good. Yes, that is very, very good. God bless. 

Raegan's therapy

My little Raegan is doing so well with her therapy I just had to take a moment and do a little bragging on my sweet baby Ray. She is tolerating the whole hour now. Just a year ago she could barely handle 30 minutes and there was a lot of complaining and crying to be heard. It was very hard as a mother to watch. I asked myself several times if I was doing the right thing for Raegan. I always try to balance quality with quantity but quality usually wins. It is a difficult struggle. I hate to see her crying and in what seems to be to be pain. It makes me feel so terrible. I just want to hold her and comfort her and tell her she doesn't need to do this nasty therapy. But I don't. I've tried to be patient and listen to her, to let Raegan be in control of herself as much as she can. So we kept up with her therapy and sure enough she has not only endured it she has started to thrive in it. Raegan is so very tenacious and I absolutely love that about her. Thank you to my sweet little Ray for teaching me to never give up, to work hard, and to enjoy it in the end. I love to watch her work and grow and figure things out. I love that she is showing us just how stubborn and unstoppable she really is. You go girl!

My Alphabet Of Gratitude...Letter W is for Water!

Water = Life. You can drink it, cook with it, bathe in it, swim in it, splash in it, sail on it, and clean with it. Some people use it as you would a road, some people even live on it. It falls from the sky, can be turned into a gas or a solid. It's what causes our crops to grow. It forges canyons, bridges and other magnificent natural works of art. It also makes my munchkins smile. Priceless. Nothing makes my little Easton happier than floating in warm water. He is part fish, I swear. Either that or he fancies himself a merman. Either way, He loves it. He could spend hours in the water with no problem, even cries when I take him out when he isn't quite ready to say goodbye to the wet stuff. How pruned can his feet actually get? Very.
Megan loves her baths too. She doesn't swim like Easton does. She simply enjoys the warm water buoying her up. The weightlessness is what she truly enjoys. She loves to sleep surrounded by water. She always looks so peaceful, so content, so comfortable.
Raegan isn't to hip on the bath scene but she does love her showers! That's right, I said showers. It was hard for me to believe at first, I thought it would pass. It didn't. Ever since she was a newborn she has loved the water hitting her in the face and the back. Her tummy, her feet, she doesn't care. She smiles and giggles at times, it is quite the special moment.
Water. Amazing. Simple and yet profound. We would literally die without it. And yet, I know I take it for granted too. I couldn't imagine a day without water, and yet I know there are many in the world that can, that do. I know how blessed I am to live where I do and have the resources available to me that I do. I can simply turn on a tap and out it comes. I happen to have a well that my water comes from so I also believe it is the best tasting...not to mention free. I don't have to hike anywhere to get it. I don't have to get it out of a dirty ditch. I don't have to wonder where I am going to get it. There might come a day when that changes, I don't know, I do know that today it is readily available to me. I thank God for it whenever I see my babies smiling in it, or when I smell my sweet Hannah's hair freshly washed in it. Whenever I am thirsty or have clean dishes or clean clothes. Whenever I see a beautiful waterfall, or a rainbow in the sky, I am thankful for water.

My Alphabet Of Gratitude...Letter V is for Valor!

Valor is defined in the dictionary as bravery, courage or boldness. Strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness. Personal bravery. To be strong.

I have been blessed with seven glorious children. I love them all very much. They have all taught me many unique and special lessons. They have humbled me with their spirits, with their personalities and with their lives. Three of these children I refer to quite often as the Munchkin Trifecta. They are my trio of little people, my babies, my passion. It is them that I would like to thank for their valor. My faith teaches me many things about why my babies are here, what their purpose is, what their future is. You don't have to believe like I do to see how valiant these children truly are though. I am so very grateful to live in the time that I do. The internet is an amazing gift. I have been blessed through this gift to be able to share in many children's lives that have the same condition my trifecta has. Our group is refered to as Rhizokids. I see such valor in each and every one of these children's eyes. I see their strength in their smiles. I see their courage when they are faced with odds that would scare the bravest of men. I can feel their spirit and strength even through their pictures.
These children fight a battle everyday. A battle to simply survive. But most of the time you wouldn't know it by looking at them. They usually have a smile on their face and a giggle on their lips. I've seen them put into contraptions that give me nightmares, I've had to put mine in some of these contraptions myself! Any yet, they smile. They remind me to be a little more couragious. A little stronger, braver. If they can do it so can I! Right?
All of my children have had surgeries right after birth as most RCDP children have. Cataract surgery. Yuck. Seeing those huge eye patches on your baby's little bitty face is tear wrenching. They endure braces, splints, casts, and tubes just to name a few. Some have even had to have their tiny little hearts mended. Some have never left the hospital. To look into their eyes and see such strength, even in the littlest ones can be lifechanging. I often find myself telling my Munchkins that I would trade places with them in a heartbeat if I could. I wonder if I could handle what they do with the valor that they do. I don't think so, that's why God put me in this body instead of theirs. They have proven themselves, they are warriors. I am here to learn from them.
I also think of the many wondeful mothers and families of RCDP children that I have met online. I would also describe this awesome group of people as valiant. Most of us have had our children born to us, but some in our group have joined voluntarily so to speak, by adopting and taking care of these special children. This screams valor to me. To know what you are up against and to dive in anyway, knowing the future holds heartache. I'm sure if their little RCDP children could mouth the words "Thank You" to them, they would...repeatedly! But since they can't let me be their representative by saying how truly valiant you are.
To each of my special RCDP angels here and in heaven I say thank you for your valiant lives. Thank you for your strength and your smiles. Thank You for showing me how to fight and how to live. Thank you for teaching me what is important and what is not. Thank you for fighting this battle with all the joy that you do. I love each and everyone of you!
To my Trifecta, my Megan, Easton and Raegan, my heart swells when I think of you. Each one of you has such strength of spirit and heart. I can not imagine my life without you. I love you more than words could ever say.

My Alphabet Of Gratititude...Letter U is for Understanding!

I was at the grocery store with Megan when she was just a baby. A young girl in line behind me asked her Mom why the baby had a tube in her nose. Her mom was very kind and told her to ask me, I thought that was fabulous. The way the little girl looked at Megan as she asked, the pure innocent curiousity in her eyes, made my heart melt. I told her what Megan had in the best and least confusing way I could. Her mom thanked me and that was that. I've gotten very used to encounters like this over the years. I've never minded the children, and the adults with kindness behind their curiosity. I know they just want to understand what is different and unusual to them. I try to explain to all those who are curious just what it is like having a child with RCDP. The little things you don't normally think of, like being able to scratch your nose, Megan and Easton can't do. There is a whole list of things they can't do...it goes on for miles. It can be heartbreaking if I dwell on it. What I want people to understand, really understand, is what they can do. It's a list that is not so long but what it says is incredible. Megan, Easton and Raegan can understand. Simple. Understand what you say? Anything. Everything. I assume they know it all, hear it all, and comprehend it all. If I'm wrong, oh well. If I'm right, ask yourself this, would you treat them any differently? Not just my trifecta, anybody who has special needs, anybody who can't speak for themselves and put into words what they know, how they feel, what they want, etc... Would you talk about them as if they were in the room or not? Would you talk TO them instead of by them? Would you listen to hear if they had anything in response, in anyway? I've asked myself these questions many times. My little munchkins have given me many many moments to answer myself. I truly love it when I meet someone who understands how to treat my children. Someone who will look my child in the eye and speak directly to them. Someone who is not afraid to ask questions, someone who isn't afraid to touch them, hold them, kiss them. I've met so many of these wonderful people. My little angels recongnize their wonderful spirit and heart right away. I appreciate their kindness and yes, their understanding.
Understand that these children aren't that different. They need the basics we all need, love, shelter, food. They need to be played with, sang to, danced with, snuggled with...all the things every other child wants and needs. They need special things too like therapy and equipment, but those things are physical and I guess I'm talking more about the mental. Understand they want to be recognized and appreciated too. They want to learn and they want to see how excited you get for them.
Understand that these children are not vegetables. They are not useless, they do not simply exist. Please. Don't stare and say rude things behind back's because you think they can't hear. They can. Don't gaze at them with utter pitty and cluck your tongue because they will understand that too. Treat them as you would want to be treated. Drool isn't toxic. Dwarfism isn't contagious.

I am so thankful for all of you who do understand. All of you who have gone out of your way at times to treat my little muchkins with such kindness and understanding. When Easton looks at you with that little twinkle in his eye you will have no doubt that he knows you, sees you, and understands you! When Megan lights up at the sight of you and babbles with you for a while you will know how much she knows. When Raegan looks you right in the eye and laughs because you said your were going to get her there is no mistaking she understood you. I'm spending my life trying to understand them. I couldn't think of a better way to spend it!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter T is for Therapists!

I have had the opportunity, through my wonderful Munchkin Trifecta, to meet many wonderful therapists. My children have worked and are working with physical, occupational, visual, and play therapists in the past 10 years. I have learned many educational things from them, including how the muscles work, what it takes to move this part this way or that way and why it's even important. Therapists come to my home just about every day of the week. They have become a part of my family in a way. Many of them have become dear friends. I know as much about their lives and families as they do mine. They have all come to love and adore my children and my children them. We have exchanged laughs and tears. We have watched as my children do the simplest things and have shouted in joy together over it. They have taught me how to do things I thought I would have to go to school for. I appreciate the time they take to listen to my children and what they are saying to them. They understand them almost as well as I do, in some ways better. I have been blessed with so many wonderful personalities, so much caring, and a great amount of knowledge through these awesome people I call therapists. They not only have healing hands, they have healing hearts. I can't imagine my babies world without them, I can't imagine having to do it all on my own. Doing therapy on my children myself can be heartbreaking for me, I am so very thankful I have their support and guidance. It is so nice to know on the days they come over I don't have to do that particular therapy on my child that day and it is such a great relief. I have come to find that therapists, at least the ones I know, go way beyond the therapy aspect of their job. They invest their whole hearts in the children they work with. I can see the love in their faces. The smiles my children give them are all I need to know they are happy with them and they love them too, even though at times they can make them cry. The work my little Trifecta have to do can be very hard at times. I marvel at their strength and endurance. I also marvel at a person who can do this type of work for a living. Traveling from house to house. From child to child, making them do things they really don't want to sometimes can be very draining I'm sure. I hope they know how much they are appreciated in my house. How much I love the work they do and how much I depend on it. I am so very thankful to live in a place where my children can even receive therapy. So to all of you therapists out there I say Thank You! You are loved and appreciated more than words can say...just as the Munchkin Trifecta!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter S is for Stories

I love a good story. I love to read them and I love to listen to them being told. I enjoy hearing stories from anybody who wants to tell them. I enjoy reading stories to my children, some of them numerous times! I love the stories that the old folks like to tell about their youth and their experiences. I adore the stories children tell and the way they tell them. I love to talk and tell my own stories as well as hear yours. I enjoy Facebook and all the tidbits of people's lives and stories that I get. I can remember loving to read from a very young age. I couldn't wait to go to the school library and pick out another book. My favorite series from about the third grade was the Boxcar Children. Oh my goodness how I loved to hear the teacher read a little part of one of the books every school day. I could see everything she read, I could hear it and even smell the things she described at times. I was hooked. I had to read more. Anything and everything I could get my hands on I read. I would still be that way today if it weren't for the time constraints I have. So many other obligations I didn't have as a child! My children do know that every once in a while I will find a book that I just can't put down. They always seems to understand, mostly because they are readers and story tellers themselves. I love to read everything from fiction to reality, fantasy to horror. There is nothing like a good book to take me away from it all. Growing up in the south I heard many stories as I would travel around visiting people with my step father. I learned a lot just from listening to what other people had to say about their lives. I enjoyed their funny stories and their sad stories. I remember when I was 17 I decided to drive around the country to see as many states as possible. I would put audio books in the cassette player and away I would go, enjoying the scenery as I enjoyed a good story. I remember my Mom and I driving to move to Utah later that same year. I was reading The Stand by Stephen King as we were driving through Nebraska and Kansas. The people in the book were crossing through Nebraska and Kansas the same time I was...it was kinda creepy, particularly because it was a story told by the master of crazy weird himself, Stephen King. I remember being scared, and I loved it! So I say thank you to all of you who have shared your stories with me, I thank all the authors who have written the countless books I have read for sharing their imaginations with me. I thank you all for taking the time to listen to my stories. Like I said before, there is nothing like a good story to take me away from it all for a moment, to be transported in time and space to a different reality then my own is a very therapeutic thing at times, as long as I don't overdo it!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter R is for Raegan

Raegan is my youngest. My baby. She was a surprise, but a welcome and very loved one. When I had my first ultrasound of Raegan she had her thumb in her mouth. As I had not yet had anything to do with my Rhizokids group, I did not have any other kids to evaluate Raegan by but Megan and Easton. Both of which could never put their thumb in their mouth. I knew Raegan was going to be different, but I had no idea how different she was really going to turn out to be. When Raegan was born I was shocked. I had really expected her to be without RCDP. I had to face the harsh reality of my dreams being flushed down the potty once again. I had to grieve, which I did and I had to go through the anger again, which I did.... It was horrible and I can tell you the third time doesn't make it any easier. In a way, it makes it difficult simply because I knew what to expect this time. I knew what I was in for and I knew what was in store for Raegan. Boy, was I right in some ways and Way Wrong in others!
Raegan has taught me that no matter how hard I try I cannot fortell the future. What a lesson to learn. All my life I figured I was psychic, I mean why else would I worry about the future? I must know what is going to happen right...wrong. Raegan has taught me what true perseverence is, what it looks like, even what it can smell like. She works her little body so hard it makes me short of breath just watching her. Raegan has no problem with being assertive either. She will tell you, in no uncertain terms, exactly what she is thinking and what she wants you to do, or not do, what ever the case may be. She doesn't have to use words to communicate her feeling effectively either, just about anybody can understand her when she has something to say. I love Raegan's smile, I love her laugh. I love the way she looks at me, focuses on me, and just lights up. I love the way she searches for her Daddy when he does her special whistle. Raegan loves to be thrown into the air and hung upside down. She loves to be bounced on the bed and twirled around in circles. These simple things make her so happy and she rewards me with giggles and dimples. I enjoy kissing her cute little piggy toes and watching her smile because she enjoys the game. I adore Raegan's fierce temper. It has served her well over the last 2 years. She is a fiesty one, I pity the fool who doesn't give Raegan her way. Out of all three of my RCDP children, Raegan is the only one I am absolutely sure would reach out and slap me, pull my hair, or scratch my face if she could. Megan gets her little heart broke when she is mad, Easton wants to just run away from it all, but Raegan is like a crazed cat, claws at the ready. I really do enjoy this part of her, it gives her the drive she needs to do the things that are asked of her on a daily basis. When I want her to push with her legs and she gets so mad, she pushes...haha! Therapy has occured!
Raegan is a very demanding child. She has constant needs that must be met, and she isn't very patient. I've chosen to view this as an opportunity to really work my muscles of patience. She has given me many opportunities to do this over the last 2 years. With feedings that go on through the night, to 3am play sessions, to just plain walk me around and entertain me all night episodes, Raegan has made sure to put her Mom and Dad through them all. I couldn't think of a better person I'd rather be learning with than Raegan though. One smile and I'm melted. I think of it this way, I honestly do not know when Raegan won't need me to get up through the night with her anymore, but as long as she does, I will. I will because of the day that I'm not needed anymore. Because of the day she won't be with me anymore. Because of the day I won't have her to hold and take care of. Today, I have my angel with me. Today, I am happy to do all she needs me to do, for I know tomorrow she may be gone. My Rhizokids group has taught me that all to well. One of our precious new Rhizokids, Adalynn, passed away. She was only 4 months old. Adalynn was the latest in a list of children that is far to long. RCDP children whose mothers can no longer comfort them, can no longer pace the floors with them at night. There are some RCDP mothers who never got to even take their children home with them and have the pleasure of a restless and sleepless night with their angels to even complain about. What any of them would give to have just one night.
 Megan and Easton have taught me special things in their own unique way. Raegan has done the same. She has taught me to reach out, to go outside of my comfort zone and to speak up. She has taught me to care for myself, simply so I could have what I needed to care for her. She has taught me to work and to prioritize. Raegan has given me hope. She still sucks on her thumb to this day, she absolutely loves it unless she accidently bites her thumb, then she doesn't like it so much. She thinks it is very funny when I pop her thumb out of her mouth and say don't bite on that!
I often call Raegan my little Ray of Sunshine. That is exactly what she is. I love my Ray Ray and I am very Very grateful for her!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter Q is for Quiet!

Ahhh...Peace and Quiet, how often I've overlooked how powerful just a few minutes of this really is. Any mother can relate to me. When the babies are all sleeping and no one is sick with a cough, it can be the most wonderful thing in the world. I don't like to much of it though, just a dab will do ya. The world I live in can become very noisy. It is full of beeps and babbles, music and TV, background noise. Hannah can talk and talk and talk. Megan loves to babble and join in the conversation even when there isn't one going. Easton is a bit of the silent type but even he can't stay quiet forever, thank goodness becasue I love his laugh. Raegan is constantly making noise even when she sleeps she snores. Dakotah plays his music whenever he gets a chance and Zachary is almost always giggling or telling stories. I love their noise. I love it individually and collectively. But just for a second, when it all stops, just for a moment mind you, it can be bliss. I breathe it in, like a priceless treasure. Ah, the wonder of a quiet moment. To refelect or to just listen to the breath go in and out of my lungs. After a prayer, silence is golden. It gives me time simply to listen. Quiet can be a wonderous thing. I remember as a child folding my arms and seeing who could remain the quietest during primary. It was HARD. It isn't hard anymore. I've really come to appreciate it. Right now, it's very quiet in my house. All my babies and children are sleeping and I love to hear the rhythmic breathing sounds. This is quiet to me. This is wonderful to me. It means no one is coughing, no suction machine is going. No oxygen machine is rumbling and noisily heating up the room. This is quiet. I know everybody has their own version of what quiet is to them. This is mine. No shrill beeps, no pulse oximeters going off scaring me yet again. Did I mention no coughing? How I've come to hate the sound of a cough. Quiet is a treasure. It means to me for a moment, for this moment, everything is okay. I can breathe easy and relax and refill my bucket so to speak. So Shhhh! Be very very quiet...I'm hunting wabbits!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter P is for Prayer

Prayer. I couldn't live without it. It is as essential to my soul as oxygen is to my body. I know I can talk to my Father in Heaven anytime, anyplace and for any reason I need. I never have to feel alone. I never have to feel unheard. I don't always get the answer I hope for but I always get the answer that is best for me at the time. The best part is that I always get an answer, even if it is to wait, be patient. I have a lot of self doubt, so sometimes it is hard for me to know if I'm answering my own prayers or if I'm really listening. It isn't always easy to hear that still small voice. Sometimes I have to be quite persistant in pleading my case, just to get the same answer I recieved in the previous prayer. I am so thankful for this open line to my Creator. Who knows me better, so who better to talk to? I have seen the power of prayer on many occasions in many people's lives. I have seen it in my life in simple and in great ways. He answers my silly prayers along with my serious life changing prayers. I love that. It gives me security, like a warm blanket. I've prayed on my knees, standing up, sitting down, and driving. I've prayed with my eyes open and my eyes closed. I've prayed while crying, and sometimes while wanting to scream. But, I've always prayed. I look back on my life and I can see that, and I am very grateful for it. I've prayed for myself and for friends. I've even prayed for enemies, it's not easy but I always feel much better when I've finished. Like God has cleansed me somehow through understanding and unconditional love. I remember praying in school, I wish my kids could still do that. Unfortunately some people don't believe in praying. I can understand that in a way, but I don't like it when I don't have a choice and they do, so I tell my kids to pray silently to themselves, God always hears. If he can hear Jonah in the belly of a whale at the bottom of the sea then I am certain he can hear me everywhere at everytime. What a comfort. What a joy. What a gift of priceless value. It is nice to know that God listens, that He cares and that I don't have to wait in line or take a number to be heard. I don't have to shout or jump up and down. It is a simple act of communication that saves my life everyday. I am thankful for prayer and the power it holds. I am thankful that God listens.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter O is for Oxygen

This is Megan, mommy said I could type this one because I'm the one that gave her the idea. I have taught her to be thankful for many things she said but oxygen is one that she really does take for granted. Breathing is so easy for her. It isn't that easy for me. When I was born I didn't breathe at all for almost 2 minutes. Then I got this funny big thing put on my face and other things stuck into my arms and I was put inside a glass tube and sent away from my mommy and daddy. I had to have tubes put into my nose so that it would give me this stuff called oxygen. I didn't know what it was, but I figured out already that I needed it to live. When I got to go home with my mommy and daddy this oxygen stuff went with me. This time it didn't come out of a hole in the wall, it came out of a big silver can thingy. Mommy and daddy had to roll it around on this noisy cart everytime they took me anywhere. My Mom and dad also put little plastic tubes all over the house so they could take me from room to room and just hook me up to my oxygen without having to move the really big silver thingies, I think they called them tanks. And if they would have had to move them, I'm afraid I would have had to stay in one room. When I was still very young I got RSV. I don't know what it is but I do know I couldn't breath. It was awful. I had to go to the hospital and the doctor had to keep putting this tube down my nose and throat and it would take all my yucky stuff that was keeping me from breathing out. It really hurt. I didn't like it at all, so I decided to get better and go home. I also decided I didn't want to have to have the tubes up my nose anymore to give me my oxygen either so by the time I was one I figured out how to get oxygen on my own. The doctors told me I never would, but I know more than they do, I think they are silly. Now I can breath this oxygen stuff out of the air all by myself and I've been doing it very well, unless I get sick, then sometimes I need help and the tubes go back in, but they never stay for long.
I learned from birth that if I didn't have oxygen I wouldn't be here. My body couldn't work, not the way God designed it anyway. I'm thankful I have clean air to breathe. I am thankful that when my body isn't working right that there is oxygen in big tanks to keep me alive. Now my mom and dad even have a machine that takes the oxygen right out of the air they call it a compensator...no wait thats not it...a commentator...nope, not that either....oh yeah! a concentrator! anyway, I'm thankful for it. Thanks for letting me type this one mommy! Now, take a deep breath and Smile!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter N is for Now!

The present moment holds the key to liberation."~Eckhart Tolle

Now is an adverb defined in the dictionary as the present time and moment.

 This moment is a gift, a priceless treasure. I can choose what I want to do with it, until it is taken away from me. The beauty of that is it is given to me faster than every second, in a heartbeat, in a single breath I have been given another moment in which I can choose again what to do with. The choice is always mine. I have things going on around me that can influence my choice, but the choice is always, ultimately mine.
 I  go through hard times trying to deal with the fact that my Megan and Easton and Raegan will someday die, let's keep it real here, what they have is terminal and no matter what I can't wish it away. I know I will have to say goodbye to them, unless of course God sees fit to take me first. So naturally, I think about their deaths. I used to think about them a lot. Obsessively. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself I would just suddenly start thinking about one of them dying and bursting into tears. Songs, those are the worst, sad movies about death were forbidden. It was horrible. I didn't know how to quit. I knew I needed some outside advice, somebody neutral. I found a wonderful counselor, she has helped me tremedously by simply being a sounding board most days, but she has introduced me to a new way of thinking also, a new perspective on life and it has changed my life. It is simply this: Be Thankful For The Now. That's it. If there is a problem right now that needs my attention, then give it. If it is something in the futre, then it hasn't happened yet so don't stress about it. "Easier said than done," I said. But I practiced it anyway. I know there are things I need to plan for in my future but the emphasis is I don't try to LIVE in the future, it is just as destructive as living in the past. So, everytime I would find myself thinking about one of my angels passing away I would ask myself, "is there something that needs to be done for them to prevent this from happening at this moment in time?" If the answer was nothing than I could give myself permission to not worry about it at the moment. Sometimes I would have to close my eyes and take deep breaths. I would concentrate on the sound of my breathing, how it felt going in and out of my lungs. I would listen to my heart beating, hearing the sound of my blood rushing in and out of it. That would do it everytime. For that moment, even if it was just for a second, I wasn't worried about my babies dying. I was to busy enjoying the moment. WOW! It really was that easy! I can do it whenever I choose. If I don't choose, well then I still have made a choice, as Rush says. Either way I am thankful that I have the opportunity to choose happiness, that it really is up to me and no one else. I am thankful for Now because of the newness it offers me. Every moment I can decide again. If I've made a mistake, I can stop. If I've done something good, I can continue. Now is freedom. Now is all I really have. This moment. This time. I am thankful for Now.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter M is for Megan

When I found out I was pregnant with Megan I was so excited. I love being pregnant. I love babies. I love being a mom. When I had Megan I had an experience I never expected to have. Before Megan, I worked for Wasatch Transportation. I would take children who had special needs back and forth to the deaf and blind schools. I remember one girl in particular. Her name was McKenzie and she was beautiful. Her mom was well to do and gorgeous herself. She always had McKenzie looking so beautiful and you could see the love she had for her daughter. She told me once that she was glad that the decision to let Mckenzie live or die wasn't up to her, that it was part of the doctor's oath to preserve life and the choice was never given. McKenzie was born at 25 weeks and had numerous problem because of this. I remember thinking how brave and wonderful this mother was. I had one son of my own and I couldn't even imagine being a mother of a disabled child. Little did I know.
Megan was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2001. She turned out to be quite the Christmas elf. We knew right away something was wrong. Megan wasn't breathing. We all held our breath, everyone in the room. I didn't realize this until Megan actually took her first breath and you could hear everyone in the room collectively exhaling. I was scared. I remember telling Chad I was sorry. If something was wrong with Megan I just knew it had to be my fault. I had failed somehow. I held Megan for a second and they wisked her away. The next time I saw my precious baby they were lifefilighting her to Provo. I got to say goodbye to her while she was in an incubator. I couldn't even touch her. I was devastated. I returned home on Christmas Day and tried to be brave for the two children of mine I already had there. Not to mention the one Chad had brought with him. It was difficult but I was thankful she was alive. Megan remained in NICU for 2 weeks, a very short time considering some of the parents I met while I was there. Megan left, which a lot of their kids did not. I remember I had to spend the night in the hospital with Chad and Megan and we had to show them that we could take care of her before they would let us take her home. With a bunch of crazy beeping equipment and a head full of new medical terminology we took our angel home. I am ashamed to say we waited for her to die. We didn't know what else to do so we did the best we could. We loved her every minute of every day and she was never in need. Megan was constantly comforted and held and loved. She was kissed a thousand times and held as much as she would let us, which unfortunatley wasn't much because it hurt her. We put her on some pretty strong pain medication but took her off of it because we would rather have a baby that was aware some of the time rather than a baby that was knocked out most of the time. So we held her less and rubbed her little hands and feet and knees a lot more. I cried more than I have ever cried in my life. I yelled at God, I asked him why a thousand times but never really took the time to listen.
 Let me tell you now why I am so thankful for Megan. She has been my fire. She has been the key to my transformation, to my growth. Megan has taught me things I would have never learned without her. She has taught me surrender. I would have never know what it meant to truly surrender without Megan. She broke me, she broke me into a million pieces. God has been putting me back together ever since. Megan has laughed almost the whole way. The one thing that stands out most about my precious little MooMoo is her smile and her laughter. She has a way of lighting up the whole room. My friend Wendy said she smiles with her whole body and I couldn't agree more. Megan is the happiest person I know. If you are feeling bad come and spend a minute or two with my angel, she will have a magical effect on you and you will feel bad no more, ask anyone who has met her. When Megan sees you her eyes light up as if to say "I am so glad to see you!", and I believe she truly is. Megan has a way of knowing just what you are saying, she loves to be involved in the conversation and pipes in at just the right moments. She is full of laughter and it is very contagious. She sings with the most beautiful voice I have ever heard, sorry Babbs, I love ya, but my Megan has even you beat. Megan is the true example of a positive attitude. I never hear her complain unless it is necessary for her care, and I really wouldn't call it complaning as much as asking in her own unique way. Megan has the most beautiful blue eyes. They have a sparkle and shine you can feel in your soul. She can speak to every heart that will listen and brighten every eye that will see. I can not thank my Father in heaven enough for sending his precious Megan to me to care for. What wonderous thing has she done that has awarded her such a position? I am excited to find out someday, I am excited to speak to her one day and to hear her voice speak to me. She is my daughter. She is my heart. Megan is the best of me and I love her more than words can say. She will be turning 10 this Christmas Eve and I couldn't be happier. She hads defied the odds and showed all the doctors who is truly in charge. I look forward to many more years with my love, my Megan.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter L is for Legs

When I was born my legs were a bit troubled. I had club feet. I had to wear casts on my legs when I was just a baby and then I graduated into corrective shoes with bars that ran up my legs. I don't remember any of this, all of what I know my mom told me. I still have the shoes though, I look at them often and think about what my life would be like if it hadn't been for the technology that corrected them.
I remember running a lot as a child. I would love to hang from the bars at the school playground and would make a mad dash for them a recess so that I could. I would hang from monkey bars, trees, bunkbeds, just about anything I could wrap my legs around. I loved to jump on trampolines and of course I would dance, mostly when people weren't looking, but I LOVED to dance, still do actually. I'm not what the world would call good, but I enjoy it.
I really enjoy watching people dance, I love the movements their legs can make and how graceful and easy they make it seem. I enjoy watching the olympics on television and seeing all the perfect athletic bodies run and swim and jump. Beautiful bodies doing beautiful things.
I remember as a young girl, about 10 or so I stepped on a plate glass window that was laying down on two blocks, I didn't see it. It cut my legs pretty bad. I still have the scars. Every movement I made with my legs hurt for days. I felt like a big hurt leg. It was awful.
I've used my legs to hike, work out, run, dance, tip toe, walk, skip, and twirl. I never appreciated any of these things until I had my Megan, Easton and Raegan. Their legs don't work like the rest of ours do. Their knees are pretty big and stiff. Megan's and Easton's hips are dislocated. They will never walk, run, dance, skip, hike or twirl. I have learned that in a situation such as mine, with half of my kids being disabled, it is better to be realistic with a dash of hope. Do I work on making Raegan stand? Of course I do. Do I ever really expect her to do it on her own? No I don't. They will never use their legs in the way that the majority of us do. They have made me appreciate all my legs do for me in a way I never have before. I can only imagine how incredibly difficult my life would be if I had to go without me legs. Could I do it? Probably. Would I want to? Absolutely not.
I put their sister Hannah in dance class. I want her to celebrate her legs. I want her to celebrate her ability to use them. She does so beautifully. She is so young, I know she doesn't fully appreciate their value but I do. I watch her dance and it is hard not to cry. It is a bitter sweetness. Tears of joy and sadness fall from my eyes at the same time. Raegan will never point her toes. Megan will never do the splits. Easton will never run the bases during a game. I am a person who prides herself in seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty though so I do appreciate all they can do with their legs. Easton uses them to scoot like no other. He can swim just like a little fish by just swinging his legs and hips back and forth. He finds this hilarious too. Raegan can push with her little legs so hard. She loves to kick my face and have me kiss her cute little piggies. Megan loves to have her feet rubbed and her knees played with. They do use their legs, just not in the way intended by the "normal".
I am grateful for my legs and all they do for me. I'm grateful that my children have taught me through their disabilities not to take anything for granted. Even when my legs are jumpy and restless just about every night I am thankful that I have them. I run and jump and dance for my trifecta, with my trifecta most times and they love it. My legs are their legs for the time but I look forward to the day when they have legs of their own that work the way they were intended to. I look forward to the day when I can see my little angels run and dance without me holding them, when they can run into my arms on their own accord. Until then, they can use mine.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter K is for Kites!

I love to fly a kite. I have my adopted family, the Wheelers, to thank for that. Every year they would get together and fly kites. It turned into a potluck too eventually I think, I'm not sure but I am sure about how much fun we all had. It was wonderful looking up into the sky and seeing all the beautiful colors and different shapes. It was fun to watch who get their kite up with ease and who had a really hard time.

I remember as a teenager I would go to the beach in Pascagoula and watch people flying all sorts of kites. From simple ones to the ones that require two people and both of their hands, it was awesome.

I guess a part of me feels as though I'm in the sky with that kite, soaring high above the ground and flying with the breeze gloriously.

I've flown kites with my children and I never get tired of watching their faces light up when they get their kite soaring, no matter how old they are. I hope we never outgrow going and flying a kite. It's simple, but it's powerful. Sometimes it really is the little things that can really pack some punch...just as my munchkins!
The picture is of Glen and Linda Wheeler! Thank You so much for all you did for me, I can never say how grateful I am for your family. So K is for kites, but they were more than just kites to me. It was the time we spent together, competing and yet cheering each other on. The older ones teaching the younger ones. Time together. So our yearly kite flying fun was more to me than flying kites, because of this example kites will always symbolize fun and freedom and family to me. They didn't just fly kites with me they showed me what was important in life and that is family. No matter what. I've seen them go through many trials and yet they all still love and support each other in their own ways. I love them so much and I dread to think of where I would be without them. They are my sisters to this day. They know me as well as any sister could and they love me inspite of myself, that is family. I feel even more special because I was chosen, they could have sent me away feeling sorry for me but they didn't. They included me and they never made me feel like they wanted to do anything else, they loved me. So I am thankful for my time flying kites with my second family. I am blessed to have not one but two. One that I was born into that I love dearly, and one that adoped me in a way and taught me how to fly a kite. Thank you Glen, Linda, Julie, Melanie, Christy, Jan and Beckie. Oh, and Kenny, can't forget my adopted brat of a brother either...I don't think he taught us how to fly kites as much as he taught us how to run with them though.....!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter J is for Jesus

How is it possible to thank someone for dying for me? Is there thanks enough for someone who takes on everything I have ever done wrong and answers for it? The name Savior, Redeemer, Lord, and Christ define Him. He is my Savior in every sense of the word. Through His example I know how I am supposed to live. He didn't just sit on the sideline to critique my life, He showed me how He wanted it to be done. He is my Redeemer in that He redeems from from myself. In spite of my wrongs and shortcomings, He has the power of redemption and He gives it freely. My Lord because I choose to worship Him. He is the Chosen One, the one who took it upon himself to give to me the one thing I could not give to myself. A proxy, a replacement. Someone who could withstand the punishment required when laws are broken. He is my teacher and my brother. He is my advocate and my protector. He asks to be followed, in a gently loving way. Reaching out to help me when I couldn't help myself. I think of the poem footprints. There are many times when I know my Savior carried me because I would have surely fallen and wasted away on my own. Looking back, I can see his tender mercies more and more. Times when He showed He knew me better than I knew myself. When I picture Jesus I picture a man with his arms wide open in love and acceptance, with gentleness and compassion. With an understanding only He could have. I am thankful for my Lord, for my Savior. Above all, he decended below all of us and died in such a fashion that I can barely comprehend. Christmas and Easter are by far my favorite times of the year. What they represent is priceless. Something that can't be wrapped and put under a tree, something that can't be found in an Easter basket. Atonement. One word that accomplishes so much. I try to live my life as it's own thankyou to Jesus, but I'm ashamed to admit I fall short everyday. He is there to pick me back up and encourage me, I am so very grateful for His patience. My Redeemer lives. I am beyond Thankful.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter I is for Imagination

I love watching cartoons, one of my favorites was Muppet Babies. It was a cartoon all about using your imagination. You can go anywhere, be anything if you just know how to use it. It is a childlike quality that I am so thankful for. I love more than anything to talk with my children and do the what ifs. We end up laughing hilariously or thinking deeply, usually the former. I get a glimpse of it everyday when I watch Hannah play, she uses her imagination very well. I've eaten so many plastic dinners cooked in her little kitchen I've lost count. I've watched Zac slay invisible foes with his Power Ranger's sword or lightsaber. I've seen Dakotah fix many an imagined problem with his cool tools. These are very special memories to me. But it doesn't stop when we grow up does it? I for one believe it doesn't have to. I imagine things all the time. I appreciate all of the things in my life that I have because someone else imagined them first. Like this computer I am typing on, the stove I am cooking on, the bed my babies are sleeping in. People had to imagine these things before they could be made. I think of all the books I have read, all of the movies that I have seen. I think of all the medical equipment that just blends into the decor of my house. Someone imagined it, and now I get the benefit of using it. How incredible. I also use my imagination to paint the picture of a better tomorrow. I try to make today the best I possibly can but I'm always trying to learn ways to improve it. I have to imagine myself doing things before I can do them sometimes. Take cooking for instance. I love it, but before I started I had a vision of myself cooking fabulous dinners that my whole family would sit down and eat together and everybody would rant and rave about what a glorious cook I am...
I have very fond memories of using my imagination with my best friend, we had our children named, our house picked out, our husbands were named and so were our pets. Life didn't turn out exactly as we imagined, but we had an idea of where we were heading.
To this day I still love to watch cartoons with my children, I love to watch them even without my children! Cartoon have imagination written all over them, and it is fun. I also love anything science fiction. Another wonderful use of what ifs..... I still smile when I think of the Dr. Who marathon my son Zac and I had a few months ago. We were up until 4 in the morning because we just couldn't get enough! And then we talked and talked about all we had seen and heard, he gave his thoughts and I gave mine and it was awesome.
I imagine a day when there will be no more RCDP. When a family never has to bury a child again. When a mother never has to watch her child suffer. I imagine a day when people treat each other with kindness and empathy. I imagine a day when those of us who are different aren't shunned and ridiculed. I imagine a day when the lion lays down with the lamb and it helps me get through the difficult times. The times I simply want to give in and throw in the towel. I imagine my self carrying on, learning and growing and someday never having to cry in pain again.
Imagination is a beautiful thing. I am so very grateful for it and I use it each and everyday!!

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter H is for Hannah

Hannah is the one child out of 4 that Chad and I have together that doesn't have RCDP. According to the odds of recessive genes it should be the other way around...for that reason Hannah is known as my miracle child. Born 3 weeks early, Hannah was a tiny little cuddly baby when we brought her home, she weighed a whopping 4 pounds 10 ounces. Even her preemie clothes were a little big on her. Hannah was covered with hair! I called her my little monkey and she lived up to that name not only in hair but also in climbing abilities. She had more energy from the time she was born than I have ever seen in any of my children. She has that same energy to this day. Hannah loves to sing and dance and at every opportunity she will perform for you. I love to hear her voice and how hard she tries to sound "grown up". She loves Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift. She loves to watch anything Disney and I love her laugh. Hannah loves to help. She always has. Lately she has been learning to cook and we have a great time together in the kitchen. I hope this will last for our lifetime. There is nothing like cooking up a meal with your daughter and sitting down to enjoy that meal with your family to bring a tear to a Mother's eye. Hannah loves being a girl. She loves all things girl. She loves to play Barbies and with dolls. She loves to dress the dogs and kitty up in the doll and barbie clothes. The animals don't care to much for it though. Hannah loves to ask questions and it is these questions that I am grateful for also. Sometimes they do get numerous and there are times when I have to tell her not now, but I have to admit the child makes me think. I love her smile and the little freckles that speckle her cheeks. I am thankful she likes to cuddle and be soothed when she has an owie. She is a wonderful big and little sister to her siblings with disabilities. She can do everything from change them to feed them and she really doesn't mind, most times she asks to do these things. I know Hannah will be a wonderful Mother someday. As a mother with 3 daughters, 2 of which I have had to accept alternate plans of living for, Hannah is a breath of fresh air. I love to watch her dance and am so very grateful for her ability to do it. Everything I would have taken for granted about her, my Munchkins remind me not to, and her also. She is a very typical child in most ways but I believe she has an advantage growing up with these special children. It has taught her empathy and sacrifice. Hard lessons to learn, even for adults. Her normal is not other people's but you wouldn't know it by watching her live. She simply accepts. She has a curiosity that is admirable but it is a curiosity underlined by a tenderness that is all her own. A friend of mine once asked me if I look at Hannah sometimes and see a little halo glowing above her head, you just love her that much. I said yes I do, quite often in fact. I can feel it physically in my chest, my heart soars when I watch her play, when I see her smile, when she tells me how much she loves me. My Hannah banana is so many things, none of which I take for granted. She was given to me at a time when my heart was hurting so much and she healed that hurt. She gave me back the dreams that I had given up with Megan. She is my chance at redemption. Hannah is my miracle and I am more thankful for her each and everyday. I have so enjoyed the last 8 and 1/2 years with her and I look forward with childlike anticipation to the years to come.

My Alphabet of Gratitude...Letter G is for God

God, Elohim, I AM, Jehovah, Almighty, Great Shepherd, Immanuel, King, and The Way. Heavenly Father, Master, Judge, and Great Shepheard. He is known by many names and by many people. He is my Creator and I love Him most of all. My search for God really began after Megan was born. My whole world seemed shattered. Everything I believed about the world came crashing down and I was left devastated. It was awful. I felt so dark, so hopeless. I was angry and I was so very sad. I was a rollercoaster of emotions and I was worn out physically from the care Megan required. I had to have answers if I was going to carry on. I had to believe in something or I knew I wasn't going to make it. I had to have hope. I had to have something to look forward to, something to hold on to. I've always believed IN God, but what did I believe ABOUT God? That was what I was going to have to figure out. I began a quest, I studied many religions, I am a very open minded person and I wanted to learn all I could from just about everybody I could. I went to many different churches and participated as well as I could. Questions always going around in my head, listening for answers among my fellow church goers. I found many wonderful people in many wonderful beliefs. I also found answers. I found a Father in Heaven who loves me very much. I found an advocate and supporter beyond my wildest dreams. I found Someone who would listen to me night or day and never complain about my questions. I found a reason I could accept about why my babies are how they are. If all I woke up with tomorrow was my knowlege of my God I would be a happy person. I have nothing without it. I have hope and happiness beyond anything I could have imagined. I am not sad about my little trifecta, I am excited. Not on the earthly sense, the physical is still very hard sometimes. But on an eternal sense, the bigger picture so to speak. I know I don't have to worry about my little angels. I know they are perfect and being protected by a loving and caring God. Do I have questions for Him still? Sure I do, but I've learned to listen more than speak and it is that I am grateful for. A Father who speaks to me and knows me better than I know myself. A God who loves me more than I understand. An answer, a Friend, a Savior. I believe God lives and loves us all very much. I know He wants us all to be happy and learn to love each other and live together in peace and understanding. This is what has helped me the most in my struggles. I know I can go through anything and make it, my faith is strong and I am so thankful.